Jonathan and Archie

Today I really wanted to look up HC online, but that’s out of the question, so I did the next best (worst) thing. I looked up Jonathan and his stupid girlfriend, Archie. About five years ago I went to my first SLAA meeting and it was because of my obsession with Jonathan. I only went to one meeting. A few years later, after I broke up with another qualifier, I worked up to two meetings, and then a couple of years after that (present day), I finally started attending meetings regularly. I know I shouldn’t be looking up Jonathan and Archie, but checking up on them isn’t one of my bottom-lines. Plus, while it might not be the healthiest thing in the world; looking at these two’s Facebook profiles, which are both public (idiots) triggers in me  nothing but smugness.

The relationship I had with Jonathan doesn’t really get interesting until Archie comes into the picture. I met him on the classiest site on the net, Craigslist. He was 20 years older than me and he seemed like a nice guy at first (don’t they all?). He told me, numerous times, that I was the only one he was seeing. That’s really all the background info you need. I’m a bitch, so I’ll also throw in that, despite being close to 50 years old, he couldn’t last more than 45 seconds. He did give pretty good head, though.

After about 5 months I found out that Jonathan was still posting ads on craigslist, like constantly. Sometimes up to 20 ads a day. I don’t even know how he had time to do anything else. Then I did some more digging and found out about Archie. Archie was 19 and had been seeing Jonathan for a year. That’s right, he was close to fifty and started dating a girl right out of high school. I blew up at Jonathan, then found Archie’s contact info and emailed her.

Archie got back to me right away. To put it charitably, the girl wasn’t extremely bright. After our initial conversation, she said she was really confused and wanted me to talk to her best friend on IM so her best friend could tell her what to do. I had done my due diligence. I should have just said “thanks, but no thanks,” and walked away, but since I like to (used to like, at least) make bad decisions; I agreed to talk to her best friend. Since Archie was a 19-year-old girl, I kind of figured her best friend would be too. I figured wrong. Her best friend was a 35-year-old man who she had met online playing World of Warcraft. And the conversation I had with him, where he was supposed to be gathering information to help Archie make a decision on whether or not to leave Jonathan? It was basically him just asking me to send him photos and hitting on me.

The next time I talked to Archie she told me that she had ended things with Jonathan. Aside from the same bad taste in men, Archie and I had nothing in common. At one point, she had asked to see my pictures. Then she told me, “you look reeeeeeeeally good for your age.” I was 27. Yeah. I didn’t see any point in keeping in touch with her, but she continued to IM me whenever I would come online. After about a two weeks, she sent me an IM telling me that Jonathan and her had decided to work it out. They were now in couple’s therapy. Say Wha? Couple’s therapy? Did I mention that she was 19 and he was 47?

I know I shouldn’t snark on Archie. It’s not her fault I managed to fall for the same asshole she had already fallen for. The poor girl really is as dumb as rocks, though. I once spent 20 minutes trying to explain to her that an ad posted 12:01am, Saturday wasn’t actually posted Saturday night, but rather early Saturday morning. She couldn’t understand how Jonathan was posting ads Saturday at 12:01am when she had spent Saturday night with him. I recently spent some time trying to explain the same concept to a group of 3rd graders. The idea that the date changes at midnight, and not when they wake up in the morning, was a confusing notion to them too… but they’re 8. The 3rd graders eventually got it. Archie’s probably still a little puzzled on this one, though.

The real issue wasn’t Archie’s inability to grasp time and date, it was the fact that I spent so much time trying to convince this special needs case that Jonathan was still posting ads on craigslist. When she told me that she was trying to work things out with him, I became obsessed with trying to convince her otherwise. I would create fake email addresses and email the ads that Jonathan was posting on Craigslist. I would correspond with Jonathan under these fake personas, make plans to meet, then forward these emails to Archie. I spent months doing this. Archie may have been dumb, but I was fucking nuts. This consumed me. It was not pretty at all.

My therapist suggested I check out SLAA. I also got an Rx for Lexapro. At the time, I wasn’t quite ready for SLAA. I only went to one meeting. Back then, I had a tried and true cure for getting over someone — getting under someone else. Eventually that worked, and I managed to ween myself off of my Jonathan obsession.

I still check in on this couple once in awhile. She is now 24, and he’s 52. They live together. He’s still posting ads on Craigslist, though. I know this because back when I was still spying on HC and trying to find his ads on Craigslist, I would accidentally come across Jonathan’s ads. The two men actually have a lot in common. Even search terms.

The way I feel now about HC and his wife is the way I felt back then about Jonathan and Archie. The only difference is now I don’t act on my feelings.I don’t spend my time searching for his Craigslist ads. I’m not making myself crazy contacting her and trying to convince her that she is married to a cheater. I would never contact her. Does she deserve to know what her husband is doing? Absolutely. Is it my job to be the bearer of bad news? Absolutely not. All I can do is pray for these people — Archie and HC’s wife, and even Jonathan and HC. I can’t control anyone’s life but my own. Nor should I.

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Joe Turner, Asshole*

I met Joe in April 2010. He wasn’t my type (my type=tall, dark hair, musician/artist), but he managed to seduce me (a pretty easy task, if truth be told) almost right away.

Joe fancied himself a dominant, take charge kind of guy . He was also very possessive. The second time we hung out he told me that I wasn’t “allowed” to see anyone else. A normal person would have probably told him to get lost, but I, a non-normal person, thought, “hmm… let’s see where this goes.” I pretended to agree, but kept seeing other people.

One Friday in June he failed to show up for a date. At first I was worried about him, but after calling and texting him for a week, I realized that if something had happened to him, someone else would have probably have gotten back to me. Or if he was lying undiscovered in a ditch, his phone would be dead and going straight to voice mail, which would be full. But his phone was still ringing and I was still able to leave him voice mail messages.

I was pissed. Of all the spineless ways of breaking up with someone, standing them up and never calling again was the worst (maybe second to a sudden stop in communication followed by facebook friend removal — yes, this has happened to me before… twice). Keep in mind I had been seeing him for two months at this point, it wasn’t like it was our first or second date.

One night I sent him a drunken text that said something like, “since you don’t seem to have enough balls to actually break up with me, I guess you don’t mind that next weekend I have dates with two other men.” The actual text probably had a bit more swearing, name calling, and drunken spelling errors. Also, I think I described the physical attributes of these (imaginary) men.

To my surprise, the next day I got a phone call from Joe. Joe had one of the best excuses (ever!) for standing a girl up and not returning her phone calls for two weeks. You see, the Friday that Joe and I were supposed to have that date he failed to show up for he had been in a car accident. He was riding in his friend’s (of course) car and another car had crashed into his friend’s car. Although Joe didn’t break any bones or get any cuts or bruises, his phone was destroyed. Also… Joe had sustained a head injury and had been in a coma (a fucking coma!) for the past two weeks. So that’s why Joe had stood me up and hadn’t been return my phone calls. That’s why.

The point of this story isn’t to flame this idiot, but rather to show what kind of nonsense and drama used to pass for a “relationship” in my head; to show how desperate I was for any crumbs of attention and affection I could get. The sick part is, even though I knew Joe was telling me the biggest whopper I had ever heard, I still was willing to give him another chance. As luck would have it, we never ended up seeing each other again, but it wasn’t due to lack of tying on my part.

I know if I don’t work on myself and fix all this crazy shit inside of me, I will spend the rest of my life bouncing from one Joe Turner to the next.

*While the asshole part is true, the name is made-up.