My Old Man is a Bad Man…

I heard this song the other day and all I could think about was Anthony. Part of me still wants him to come and save me, rescue me from myself. And part of me knows no one can rescue me but me, particularly not someone who is even crazier and fucked up than I am (a difficult feat, indeed).

I went about three days without talking to him, then he texted me. Instead of just ignoring him I wrote back and told him to stop contacting me then ended up talking to him for 45 minutes. Nothing quite says, “I can’t talk to you anymore,” like talking to someone for 45 minutes. No mixed messages there.

From there it was off to the races. The last two days I have been spinning out of control with him. Today we got in a big fight fueled by our mutual insanities. The grand finale of which was him deleting me from his Facebook contacts and telling me he would file a restraining order if I ever contacted him again, which is bullshit because I haven’t done anything to warrant a restraining order. Also, this was after I told him to never contact me again, so it was a moot point. He was just trying to one-up me in the game of who can say “I never want to talk to you again” the loudest.

Regardless, I understood his message loud and clear. He’s done. At least for now.

Hopefully the next time he comes around, I will be healthy enough to resist. He isn’t my one true love. I know he can’t be. But sometimes, like now, it feels like he is.

Turning It Over

So far today has not been a fantastic day. I had an appointment to look at an apartment about 10 minutes from where I am living now. When I started the car, a beeping alerted me that my tank was on empty. At the gas station my debit card was rejected. This came as a surprise because I just deposited a check, two days prior.  I called the bank to see what had happened to my deposit. It turns out that my bank has no record of the deposit and that they need to do an inquiry to figure out what happened to the money. The inquiry will take five business days. Meanwhile, my account is overdrawn $300. Lovely.

I don’t have a credit card, because in the past every time I have had a card, I always forget to make payments until the bank calls me and “reminds” me to pay. This is why my credit isn’t great. I had $9 in cash on me so I bought exactly 2.367 gallons of gas, which made me feel extra pathetic. My car gets good gas mileage, so I thought I would probably be okay. When I turned my car back on, it was still on empty. I didn’t want to be late to my appointment so I made some quick calculations in my head and figured I had enough gas in the car to get to the apartment and back.

The apartment was cute and in an alright location. The manager made it seem like my credit issues shouldn’t  be a problem because I don’t have significant debt. However the rent on the apartment is only about 12 percent less than what I pay now, and in order to start living within my means, I need to find a place that is at least 20 percent less than what I am paying now.

Even though I knew the fumes I had in my car should be enough to get me back home, I started freaking out when I got back to my car. What if I was wrong and ran out of gas on the freeway? I went through my mental address book to think of anyone I could call that would loan me some cash so I could get a tank of gas – all I came up with was guys I used to fuck. Most of those bridges have been burnt beyond repair and those that haven’t would expect something in exchange for filling up my tank. I thought of my Aunt Buffy, but knew that in exchange for getting some gas money, I’d also get a soul-crushing lecture about what a loser I am, how she expects me to be homeless soon and when that happens there is no way she’ll let me move in with her. During these lectures she also likes to throw in a couple of, “you’ll never get married”s. I know she means well, but I was already mentally giving myself this lecture and in no state to hear it from her, so calling her was out. The only other option I could come up with was my one female friend that lives nearby, Marie. She has always been so patient and generous with me and I am worried that I’m constantly on the brink of exhausting her friendship. I decided to text her, but knew she was probably too busy to get back to me right away.

Crying and saying the Serenity Prayer, I managed to make it home still on empty. Back home, I called my landlord. Next month my rent is going up $70, which is part of the reason I need to move, although even without this increase it is already more than I can afford to pay. Very politely, I asked her if I could keep paying the rent I am currently paying for another month while I looked for another place. She wasn’t so polite with her response. She let me know that this wouldn’t be possible, and additionally I shouldn’t expect to get much of my security deposit back when I do move, because my place “smells.” First, my place does not smell! I pay a cleaning service to clean my place twice a month, and it might be a little cluttered, but it is extremely clean. Second, she hasn’t even seen my apartment since I moved in years ago, so I don’t know where she is getting this. And third, how fucking rude is this bitch? I just want to pack up right now and get the fuck out of here asap.

I’m on Step 3 now, which is “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.” I know everything I’ve been dealing with today is more a result of being an irresponsible, immature fuck-up than it is of being a sex and love addict, but I hope and pray that in turning my life over to God, my life will improve in all areas, because it just has to.

I also know that things aren’t anywhere near as bad as they could be. I am grateful for all that I do have: some money in savings, a roof over my head (and an apartment that smells extremely pleasant, thank you very much), an aunt who cares about me enough to give  me doomsday lectures, a car, and a good friend that is coming over tonight to loan me gas money. Additionally, I haven’t been tempted to act out today. Things will get better.