Done Wrong


I’m not really sure why this song came into my head today. I think I may have heard the phrase “done wrong” earlier, and my brain called up “Done Wrong” by Ani Difranco, which I hadn’t heard in years. Also, it’s raining here, which is very uncharacteristic of the time and place. It’s more of a pleasant summer rain than a cold, hard rain that is about to turn into snow, though. Still, an association is an association.

As I’m listening to the song now, the big revelation is I feel nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I feel a sense of nostalgia for the times I used to listen to this song and get all weepy/angry thinking about THAT FUCKING PRICK! (whomever he was at the time; fill in the blank). Yes, I get nostalgic for shittier times. It’s called being addicted to drama. But now, there is no guy to internally rage at. No one has done me wrong lately. Even with the men who have done me wrong in the past, I don’t think it would be 100 percent true to say “I’m over all that.” I’m not, but I’m getting there. My general sense of outrage at the collective group of assholes who have done me wrong has gone from a passionate boil to a low simmer of mild irritation.

I’ve been working on my fourth and fifth step. It’s clear that this is directly responsible for turning down the heat on my giant soup pot of rage. Right now I am going though all my resentments, there are a fuckload of them, and examining my role in each one. It’s hard to hold on to all that anger when I take an honest look at my participation in whatever caused it.

For today I can listen to this song and appreciate the beauty of the poetry, without wallowing in the heartbreak.

My Old Man is a Bad Man…

I heard this song the other day and all I could think about was Anthony. Part of me still wants him to come and save me, rescue me from myself. And part of me knows no one can rescue me but me, particularly not someone who is even crazier and fucked up than I am (a difficult feat, indeed).

I went about three days without talking to him, then he texted me. Instead of just ignoring him I wrote back and told him to stop contacting me then ended up talking to him for 45 minutes. Nothing quite says, “I can’t talk to you anymore,” like talking to someone for 45 minutes. No mixed messages there.

From there it was off to the races. The last two days I have been spinning out of control with him. Today we got in a big fight fueled by our mutual insanities. The grand finale of which was him deleting me from his Facebook contacts and telling me he would file a restraining order if I ever contacted him again, which is bullshit because I haven’t done anything to warrant a restraining order. Also, this was after I told him to never contact me again, so it was a moot point. He was just trying to one-up me in the game of who can say “I never want to talk to you again” the loudest.

Regardless, I understood his message loud and clear. He’s done. At least for now.

Hopefully the next time he comes around, I will be healthy enough to resist. He isn’t my one true love. I know he can’t be. But sometimes, like now, it feels like he is.

Carson

Yesterday, I talked to Carson. In addition to all of his other problems, he’s in a bad place financially. If things don’t start working out for him soon, he’s going to be homeless. He told me that two nights earlier he got really drunk and then took a handful of sleeping pills, nearly overdosing. Yesterday morning, he woke up staring at the rafters of his celling and thought about hanging himself, so he took another sleeping pill and went back to sleep. My afternoon phone call woke him up.

My response? “That sucks and all but, can I come over and fuck you?” I didn’t use those exact words; I’m not a monster. I put it a lot more tactfully, but that’s what I meant.

Later I was thinking about what a selfish asshole I am. This whole time I’ve been thinking that Carson is bad for me, looking at him like he’s my version of a bottle of booze — a bad habit I’ve picked up but know I’ll eventually be strong enough to put down again. But he’s not a substance, he’s a person and I’m just as bad for him as he is for me. Worse, maybe. I’m not a healthy person right now, and I’m only going to drag Carson down. There isn’t much further he can go.

My typical pattern is to have sex with someone first, then maybe develop a friendship with him later. With a little recovery under my belt, I flipped this formula around with Carson. We hung out for a full two months before anything sexual happened between us. I care about Carson. I wish I could be a positive force in his life and boost him up, but I’m too fucked up to help.

This needs to stop. I need to get better before I can attempt another romantic relationship with someone, and I need to stay away from Carson. If I can’t do it for the sake of my health, I need to do it for the sake of his. I am powerless over the disease of sex and love addiction, though.  Knowing I need to stop some behavior has never before been enough to make me stop. I need to rely on God now more than ever.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

Shake It Out


Just a quick post to let you all know I’m still here, fighting against my demons. I’m mostly winning, but as the name of my blog suggests, I’m doing so imperfectly. I’m working on some longer posts that I will publish soon. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with the video and the lyrics to Florence + The Machine’s Shake It Out.” The lyrics feel both apropos, at the moment, as I try to shake a devil off my back; and inspirational, as I try to remember that “it’s always darkest before the dawn.”

Note: The actual Florence and The Machine video won’t imbed so I am replacing it with a beautiful choral cover by the Capital Children’s Choir.

“Shake it Out” by Florence + The Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found a devil in me
Looking for heaven, found a devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Someone to Watch Over Me

I’ve always loved this song. When I was a kid, I would hear “Someone to Watch Over Me,” and think this is what romance was all about — seeking out my one perfect soulmate, who would take care of me and protect me always.

Now I listen to this song and think, what a fucked up message. I mean, what kind of emotionally healthy grown-up thinks of him or herself as “a little lamb who’s lost in the wood?” Aside from children, the eldery, and people with extreme disabilities; who really needs to be watched over? Were the Gershwins secretly into D/s play?

I used to think that I needed to be watched over, but you know what… whenever I would find someone who actually wanted to “watch over me,” it just annoyed the shit out of me. It might be a romantic notion (at least it was in my screwball head) to think of someone controlling your orgasms, your meals, your study habits, or what have you; but in reality it’s extremely irritating — especially when these so-called “dominants” are less intelligent or less accomplished than the people they are attempting to dominate. In my experience with BDSM, this is the case with most D/s couples. Sorry if I’m offending anyone here, this is only based on my experiences.

I know the Gershwins weren’t into D/s (well, I can’t know for sure, but I highly doubt it). They were just a product of their time. “Someone to Watch Over Me,” was written in 1926. Women had only been able to vote for six years, and the thought that they needed someone to “watch over” them was probably a pretty popular notion.

I still love this song. But when I hear it now, I don’t think of romantic love. I think of my Higher Power, and how he/she is watching over me. I have to wonder if this was somewhat intentional. A lost lamb longing for it’s shepherd is a pretty standard christian image (yes, I realize George and Ira Gershwin were Jewish, but still). The line, “looking everywhere, haven’t found him yet,” makes me think of when I was active in my love addiction. I was constantly looking for “him,” someone to fill this void and make me complete. I never found him though, because it’s impossible to fill a God-sized hole with a man. For the first time, I feel like I finally do have “someone to watch over me.”

I had to start this post with Ella, but I think I might love the Amy Winehouse version even more.

Let Me Count The Ways That I Abhor You


I’ve been in a contemplative mood lately, and listening to a lot of music. Not surprisingly, there are a lot of songs that relate to the topics of my blog… sex, love, addictive and dysfunctional relationships.

When I was in college, I was a huge Ani Difranco fan. I went to see her shows whenever she was in town and I played her CDs non-stop. I was also a huge fan of my shit-head, idiot boyfriend Peter. “Fan” is not the right word, exactly. Is there a word for when you simultaneously hate someone’s guts and can’t live without him or her? Because that’s what I had with Peter. Since, I was immature… and insane, Peter and I were together on-and-off for six horrible years. Over the years, I have had a lot of truly terrible relationships. My relationship with Peter was the worst of the worst.

Peter was the first person I ever had sex with — I think that was part of the reason it was so hard for me to let go of him. I didn’t realize it at the time, because I had nothing to compare him to, but he was a terrible lover. We were having sex for a full year before I had my first orgasm, and it was from the bathtub faucet, not from him. Before I started masturbating in the bathtub, he had me convinced that something was medically wrong with me, because, “every other girl I’ve been with has been able to cum, no problem.” Yeah, he was a real gentleman.

We used to get into physical fights. At one point, he got into the hobby of knife collecting (no red flags there). After one particularly bad fight about who knows what, he stormed out of my apartment and in tears, I kept calling his cell phone non-stop. Minutes later he barged through my front door brandishing one of his knives. That taught me to stop calling him (that night, at least), but amazingly I kept seeing him for years after this incident.

One semester, I choose to do a program abroad. We agreed that we would take a break while I was gone. You’d think this would be a healthy move, but I spent every night in the computer lab talking to him on yahoo messenger. One night he told me (in graphic detail) about another girl he had sex with. Looking back, it was probably a lie and an attempt to manipulate my feelings. I hadn’t yet realized what a compulsive liar he was. I was so distraught, I drank a bottle of wine by myself and ended up purposely burning my arm with a cigarette. I still have the scars.

There are many, many more stories about this sick, sick relationship. I’m sure I’ll eventually write some more of them down for your amusement/horror. You’re probably asking, why did I stay with this asshole for so long? I guess the simple answer is that my self-esteem was nonexistent back then. He had me convinced that no one else but him would ever want me. To be fair, there were some good times too… although, I can’t remember any specifically. The sad truth is that I thought I was lucky to have him.

It’s been about 10 years since I finally put an end to the relationship. Lest you think I’m a girl who doesn’t learn my lesson, being with Peter taught me a lot. I vowed to never again get trapped in a long-term relationship with someone whom I didn’t actually want to be with, and I’ve stuck to that. He was also the last guy I was with who used physical violence in a non-consensual way.

So back to Ani Difranco and “Gravel.” While I was with Peter I used to drive around with my best friend and listen to this song over and over again. The juxtaposition of abhor and adore perfectly described my feeling for him. I still think of him every time I hear this song, and every time I think, “oh man, what were you thinking?”

Never Mind, I’ll Find Someone Like You

Adele’s “Someone Like You,” could have been the soundtrack to the end of many of my “relationships.” I’ve heard the song many times before, but never really paid attention to the lyrics. I saw the video for the first time today and couldn’t stop replaying it. Her voice is haunting and the lyrics are beautifully poignant. I’m sure many people, love addicted or not, can relate to the feeling of not being able to get over someone who has moved on.
“Someone Like You”
By Adele

I heard
That you’re settled down
That you found a girl
And you’re married now
I heard
That your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things
I didn’t give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy
It ain’t like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue
Uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away
I couldn’t fight it
I’d hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded
That for me
It isn’t over

Never mind I’ll find
Someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Too.. Don’t forget me
I beg
I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Yeah

You’d know
How the time flies
Only yesterday
Was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue
Uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away
I couldn’t fight it
I’d hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded
That for me
It isn’t over
Yeah

Never mind I’ll find
Someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Too.. Don’t forget me
I beg
I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares
No worries, or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They’re memories made
Who would have known.. How..
Bittersweet
This would taste

Never mind I’ll find
Someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Too.. Don’t forget me
I beg
I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Never mind I’ll find
Someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Too.. Don’t forget me
I beg
I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Yeah, Yeah..