Moving Blues

Most days, I am truly grateful that I am single. I think about HC and how much it must suck to be his wife. I think about the men I have been involved with in the past and how miserable I would be now if I was still with any of them. Today is a different story.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a great new apartment (yay!) and I need to be out of this place by the end of the month. I’m starting to pack today and I am getting nothing done. I’m so overwhelmed by all my stuff and have no idea what to do with everything. To top it off, I have no one to help me. Most of my female friends are married with kids or just too busy to help me. I am really feeling sorry for myself. I wish I had a partner to help me sort things out or at least someone male to help with the heavy lifting. I even texted a couple of guys from my past (nice ones, yes, there were a few; who won’t expect a blow job in exchange for helping me out). No one has responded. I thought about posting something like, “Can anyone help me move?” on my Facebook wall, but how depressing will that be sitting on my wall with zero comments?

I really wish I had a boyfriend right now. It’s not just that I’m overwhelmed, I’m also seriously lonely.

But the thing is, even though my addict brain is telling me I can’t do this on my own, I know I can. Yes, it sucks. But it’s not impossible. And it’s not like if HC or someone else like him were in my life, he’d be helping me move.

I’m not the only person in the world who has to move on their own. People do it all the time. In fact, I’ve even done it before. So why am I writing this whiny post? I don’t know, but I’m sure procrastination has a little something to do with it.

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Lulu

A classic Gemini, I am full of dualities and have always felt I have two opposing selves. The healthy me wants to do yoga, meditate, pray, eat healthy, write, keep in contact with my sponsor, make outreach calls, do step work, and go to meetings. The healthy me wants to do these “top line” behaviors every single day, because she wants to recover and live a healthy and happy life.

The unhealthy me, let’s call her Lulu, says “fuck that shit,” to all of the above. Lulu wants to do what she wants when she wants. She wants to eat junk food, drink a lot of wine (or beer, or whatever you’ve got), sit on her ass watching tv or, more likely playing mind-numbing video games (cause let’s be honest, Lulu usually doesn’t have a long enough attention span to watch a tv show). And when Lulu gets bored of sitting on her ass eating, drinking, and drooling all over her laptop; Lulu likes to fuck — the more inappropriate and unavailable the partner the better.

The last few days Lulu has taken over. Fortunately she hasn’t gotten bored of the sitting on her ass phase yet, but she has wreaked some havoc. Lulu wants to throw in the towel on this whole recovery thing, but the healthy me made a commitment to myself to try out this 12-step program for at least six months (we’ve got four left to go).

So I’m trying to keep Lulu in check and taking contrary action as often as possible, which is why I’m writing this blog right now instead of playing The Sims.