A classic Gemini, I am full of dualities and have always felt I have two opposing selves. The healthy me wants to do yoga, meditate, pray, eat healthy, write, keep in contact with my sponsor, make outreach calls, do step work, and go to meetings. The healthy me wants to do these “top line” behaviors every single day, because she wants to recover and live a healthy and happy life.
The unhealthy me, let’s call her Lulu, says “fuck that shit,” to all of the above. Lulu wants to do what she wants when she wants. She wants to eat junk food, drink a lot of wine (or beer, or whatever you’ve got), sit on her ass watching tv or, more likely playing mind-numbing video games (cause let’s be honest, Lulu usually doesn’t have a long enough attention span to watch a tv show). And when Lulu gets bored of sitting on her ass eating, drinking, and drooling all over her laptop; Lulu likes to fuck — the more inappropriate and unavailable the partner the better.
The last few days Lulu has taken over. Fortunately she hasn’t gotten bored of the sitting on her ass phase yet, but she has wreaked some havoc. Lulu wants to throw in the towel on this whole recovery thing, but the healthy me made a commitment to myself to try out this 12-step program for at least six months (we’ve got four left to go).
So I’m trying to keep Lulu in check and taking contrary action as often as possible, which is why I’m writing this blog right now instead of playing The Sims.