The Plastic Surgeon, Part 2*

The plastic surgeon was a busy guy, so our second date took place couple of weeks after the first one. We lived about 45 minutes apart from each other. Since he had driven down to my neighborhood for our first date, I agreed to drive up to his place for our second date.

The plan was to meet at his apartment, then go to dinner. That was the plan. I had even bought a new dress for this occasion. I looked really pretty.

When I got to his place he was dressed casually. He had a white teeshirt on and sweat pants. His hair was wet. I had the impression that he had just gotten out of the shower and wasn’t done getting ready yet. He offered me a glass of wine, which I accepted. I thought he was going to go finish getting ready while I waited for him, but instead he also poured himself a glass of wine and sat down on the couch with me.

We talked for a bit and then started making out. He was aggressive. My dress stayed on, but he pulled my breasts out and started sucking on them. Then he put his hand under my dress and in my panties. I stopped him, “When are we going to dinner?” I asked.

“In a bit,” he said.

I got up, thinking that if I stood up and started walking towards the door, this would encourage him to follow suit. I no longer cared that I was in a nice dress and he was in sweats, I just wanted to get out of there.

He didn’t get the hint, or more likely he didn’t care. He walked me back to the couch and sat me on the armrest. He started kissing me again. Eventually he had me so that my back was lying on the couch, but my hips were up on the armrest. Despite my initial protests, he was finger banging me, and I was letting him. My dress was still on, even my panties.

Then all of the sudden he was inside me.

“No!” “Stop!” “I don’t want to do this!”

He had me pinned down, but I was fighting back. I was kicking, hitting, scratching and even biting him, at least trying to. I was telling him to stop, telling him no, trying to get him off of me. But he was so much stronger than me. Eventually I realized there was nothing I could do. I went limp and resigned myself to the situation. I stared into space and tried to go somewhere else in my mind.

A few minutes later, when I could tell he was close to cumming he asked me. “Do you want me to stop?”

Very softly I said, “no.” I don’t know why I said it, but I did. He knew that’s what I would say, too. I don’t know how he knew, but he knew. Less than a minute later he pulled out and came on my stomach.

He cleaned me off. I was freaked out. I was shaking and may have even been crying. He held me and kissed me, comforting me when his actions were the very ones I needed comforting from. Unbelievably his bullshit caretaker act had the desired effect. I was scared and emotional and he was acting sweet and soothing. This asshole knew what he was doing.

We started making out again. This time he was gentle, less aggressive. He took off my dress and underwear. We had sex again, this time consensually.  Afterwards he used a line that I’m sure he’d used a hundred times before, and a hundred times since. He told me that he had to wake up early for surgery. I got dressed and went home. We never did go to dinner.

I have so much shame about this story. I’m ashamed that I went to his house and made-out with him, thinking that we were actually going on a dinner date. I’m ashamed that I said, “no,” when he asked if I wanted him to stop. And I am most ashamed that I had sex with him a second time, after he forced himself on me.

I didn’t report him to the police. How could I have? I let him finish. Then I had consensual sex with him right after. No one would believe that he had raped me. Can I even call this rape? I said no several times. Told him to stop. Tried to fight him off. Made it clear that I was not a willing participant. But then, at the end of the act, I gave in.

I’m sure this wasn’t the first time that this piece of shit had done this to someone. Maybe if I had gone to the police, I would have found their were prior complaints. Maybe they already had a file on him. Maybe they would have listened to me, but then what? I would have been picked apart on the stand. I think about the Kobe Bryant rape trial and all the other high profile rape cases I’ve read about. The victims are vilified.

In college I had a roommate who was raped by a stranger. She did everything she was supposed to afterwards. She went to the hospital the next day. They did a rape kit. Physically it was clear she’d been raped. There was tearing, and bruising. She went to the police. She even picked the guy out in a line up. But the DA still didn’t think there was enough evidence to press charges.

If there wasn’t enough evidence in that case, which seemed so clear cut to me, then why would I even bother? It would have been my word against his.

The plastic surgeon knew what he was doing. He chose his mark well. This wasn’t the first time I had been sexually assaulted. He could smell the “victim” on me, smell the low-selfworth, and lack of boundaries. He knew that he could get away with it.

I did a fifth step around this resentment the other day with my sponsor. I cried. Not just cried, but bawled like a baby. Believe it or not that was the first time I ever cried about this. Normally after I do a fifth step around a resentment I feel lighter, like I have released it, but not in this case.

I feel like I am just now getting in touch with this anger. And I am so angry. Not just for me, but for the other women he has doubtlessly done this too. And I am mad at all the other lowlifes out there like him who know how to pick and manipulate their victims, too.

Someday I will release this resentment. Not for him, but for me. Someday, but not today.

 

* This is a continuation of an earlier post, which can be found here.

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25 comments on “The Plastic Surgeon, Part 2*

  1. I am so sorry. That sounds awful. And yes, you can call that rape. He forced himself on you, despite your struggling and saying no multiple times. Then it sounds like you went into shock… Just laying there, staring at the ceiling, trying to get away in your head since you couldn’t get away with your body. What he did to you is horrible.

    Please try not to blame yourself. Sure, you made some poor choices, but you did not make him rape you. You could have done those same things with a normal, nice guy (go to his place, have a glass of wine, prepare to go to dinner) without rape occuring. I also believe when you told him he could finish you were in a moment of self-preservation and deep shock.

    That he then took advantage of you again is a terrible testament to his evil, immoral personality. The only difference in my mind is that the second time he overpowered you emotionally instead of physically. The things going through your head after that first rape had to have been nearly unbearable. He knew that. He used your vulnerable, emotionally wrung-out state to get another sexual encounter. He is disgusting. It is not your fault.

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you. “The only difference in my mind is that the second time he overpowered you emotionally instead of physically.” I’d never looked at it like that before. I just thought I was weak. But you are absolutely right. He knew what he was doing. He’s evil and disgusting, but not stupid.

  2. Terrible story! So glad you are safe now. A reason to forgive him would not be because he in any way deserves it. He doesn’t. But if you were completely focused on your own responses–the impaired ones and the healthy ones–do you think at some point in the future you might be able to release resentment as a grateful response to being safe and recovering from addiction?

    • Imperfect says:

      I know I will be able to in the future, I just have to process the feelings first.

      It probably sounds crazy, but the emotions around this encounter – the sadness, the anger, the fucking outrage – are all just coming up for the first time. Because after this happened six or so years ago, I thought, “That was horrible, so I’m never going to think about it ever again.” That’s how I protected myself from it.

      • Castimonia says:

        That’s how I protected myself from various traumatic events in my life. The sadness, anger, outrage, is what I experienced when I finally openly admitted I was sexually abused as a child – 30+ years later. That was a lot of bottled up emotions that I am still working through to this day.

      • Imperfect says:

        Thank you for sharing about your own trauma. I really think that God gives us these tools of denial, perhaps even our addiction, to protect us. We can only deal with and process so much at one time. We bottled up these emotions to survive these difficult times. Yes, they are difficult to deal with now, but we are ABLE to deal with them now.

      • Castimonia says:

        I believe the exact same thing. There is an old movie called Kpax about a guy who believes he’s an alien and lives in a mental institution. Seems that his family was murdered and he completely stuffed the event and went into a split personality disorder in order to protect himself from the traumatic event(s). It’s up to Jeff Bridges (the therapist) to help him uncover the events. I was talking to my therapist about this a few months ago.

        I did the same most of my life (stuff the events, not personality disorder) and am just now opening those doors. Maybe God knew I was “healthy” enough to start digging deeper 3+ years into my own recovery for sexual addiction, not beforehand….

  3. Castimonia says:

    This is awful and I hope you understand completely that none of it (not even the “consensual” part the second time) was your fault. This is a VERY traumatic experience, being sexually violated like you were. From what I read, the consensual sex the second time was more of a shock reaction to the trauma, as was you saying “no” when he asked you to stop. I’m not sure what the statute of limitations are for rape in your state, but I would still report it. Perhaps others have come forward and reported it. The guy has probably done more detestable things, even in his plastic surgery practice. Predators like that should be punished.

    Also, I’m glad (as a 12-stepper) that you are keeping in mind that when doing your steps 4 and 5, it has nothing to do about what happened to you, only your own “fault” in holding onto the resentment. What happened to you was not your fault, as my childhood sexual abuse or being sexually violated by a woman when I was inebriated was not my fault, but holding onto the resentment is where I need to take action. Releasing the resentment will come with time in recovery, “sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.”

    BTW, it took tremendous courage to share what you shared, thank you for your openness and honesty.

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you Castimonia.

      After I wrote this the other day, I googled him. For his real name, of course I found all his professional information and his plastic surgery practice. I couldn’t remember his screen name, but I googled “plastic surgeon,” “rapist,” and the name of the website we met on. Sure enough, I found him. This happened to me in 2006 and there were several women posting warnings about him (he still used the same screen name) in 2011 and 2012.

      No one outright said he raped them. The “rapist” search term came from other men that were in the list of who to watch out for. The subtext was there, though.

      I met this guy on a bdsm site, but most of the women posting warnings about him met him on a sugar daddy site. He knows what he is doing. Women that are meeting a man on a sugar daddy website or a bdsm website do not deserve to be raped, no doubt about it. But tell that to his expensive defense attorneys that would paint these woman as sluts, as money grubbing liars, as sexual deviants who were into his “rape play.” Tell that to a jury made up of regular people that don’t understand the psychology of these situations.

  4. Hope says:

    So terrible – it was rape. And it does sound like it has happened before. If you could get a group of people together, I am sure the DA would be interested.

  5. pivoine68 says:

    I feel so outraged when I think of the physical superiority men have on the majority of us, I feel outraged that this kind of thing has happened to me too and that even if every women who was a victim of rape went to the police, the same thing would still happen again tomorrow. Because it is possible. My anger will remain silent though. I’m like that I guess.

    Bisous,
    Dawn

    • Imperfect says:

      Thankfully most men would never dream of abusing the physical superiority. The healthier I become, the healthier people I am drawing into my world. I feel pretty confident I will never find myself on another date with this kind of douchebag again.

  6. Friend says:

    Where you are at right now I think the most important definition is the one that you create. You have been the one living in the shadows of this trauma. It is not for others to decide- it is for you to define what it was, how it has impacted you and where you will go from here. Thanks for sharing your experience. It took a lot of bravery.

  7. You may regret not having reported him on behalf of other women, but you are empowering yourself AND other women by sharing your story. Everyone can learn from this whether they are an addict, man, woman, gay, straight. You gain your power back. I pray that you find peace and restoration as you move beyond step 5 in this process. Keep writing!

  8. Oh I was gonna say too, I think the vast majority of women have a story similar to this jerkoff surgeon. I too have found myself in situations where I was thinking, “Oh I wasn’t thinking this yet…I’m actually not horny…eh…okay…” when the truth is we have to learn that even if it’s not rape, it’s not okay. And we have to not be afraid of “losing love” because of that. So glad I found your blog!

  9. lexiconlover says:

    I have a friend who I have known since I was about 3 years old. She used to awaken at night to her husband holding her down and sodomizing her. Other nights could be described just as your story was with the exception of him citing, “your my wife, you OWE me this, it’s your marital duty.” After she divorced him years later, she found a book titled, “I Never Called It Rape.” She found it to be helpful.

    There are countless women, like you, who probably don’t fit the classic stranger rape story and therefore don’t come forward. There are men who get away with their crimes.

    AGAINST HER WILL, IS AGAINST THE LAW.

    So sorry you had to go through that. xo~

    • Carrie says:

      Imperfect, sorry it’s taken me so long to comment; I tried when you first posted it but lost my internet connection. Thanks for sharing that; it took alot of courage.

      When a woman says no and the man doesn’t stop; its rape. It doesn’t matter where they met, what she was wearing, or it they had sex before, or are married.

      I totally understand you having sex with him afterwards and you are right; he knew exactly what he was doing, its textbook abuse.

      JC used to do the same type of thing; totally disrespect me; purposely hurt me and then comfort me and it usually ended up with sex. I would hate myself for not standing up for myself and allowing him to “console” me. Sometimes I allowed it because he was the only one there, other times it was self preservation (not wanting to make him angry).
      I read somewhere that there are 3 natural responses to danger; we usually only hear about 2, fight or flight but there is one more and that is freeze. You were obviously traumatized more than you even knew and I would venture to guess your reaction was a natural response to a dangerous situation and kept you safe until you could leave.

      I recently had a woman comment on my blog about going through a “healing crisis”. That is when your body/mind is trying to heal and out of the blue you recall a traumatic event and are surprised by your strong reaction to it. I have had several since leaving James; where I will feel like I am making great strides in my recovery and something seemingly insignificant will trigger a memory and I will have a horrible meltdown. The first time it happened I was very concerned because I felt I was backsliding, but every time I go through one I feel so much stronger and “lighter”. You are right; or minds block events out that we aren’t capable of dealing with at the time but in order to get healthy we must deal with them at some point. Our mind knows when the time is right even if we don’t. War vets, hostages, concentration camp survivors, rape victims, molestation victims all experience it.

      I hope this is a time of great healing for you and you understand that you did nothing wrong. Nothing.

      Love ya
      Carrie

      • Imperfect says:

        Thank you for your thoughtful response Carrie 🙂

        You’re right, it is flight, fight, or freeze. I am usually someone that freezes in dangerous situations. I hope that there is a way to recondition this response.

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you Lexi.

      You know what’s funny? In the past, I’d told this story to couple of guys I was seeing (It was always easier for me to open up and spill my guts to some guy I was sleeping with, even if I had just met him, then it was to share with friends I had a healthy relationship with). Sometimes the guy who have a normal human reaction — say “that sucks,” or “what an asshole,” but usually the response would be “that’s not actually rape.” So when I posted this story, I expected to get mixed reactions, some people telling me it was rape and others saying that it wasn’t. But pretty much everyone has been in agreement that it was rape. And of course it is. If I heard this story from someone else, I would recognize it for what it is right away.

      I guess it just goes to show how stupid/lame/gross the guys I used to go for were.

  10. bossymoksie says:

    I was not expecting this ending. I am so sorry. That was clearly rape, both times. He is a predator and I hope his death is a slow one. Unfortunately, rape cases do not pretect women as much as they should. If they did, you wouldn’t have been afraid or thought it would be useless to report it! You are very brave for sharing this! And very strong to work on healing yourself! And wanting to let go of the resentment shows that you DO want to take care of yourself and make a stand for you.

    • Imperfect says:

      Writing about this terrible incident helped me a lot. I had buried all my emotions around this for so long, and I needed to dig them up and purge them.

      It’s also been amazing getting such supportive comments. Thanks so much Moksie.

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