Nobody Loves You

“Nobody loves you,” “No one wants you,” “You are worthless,” “You don’t matter to anyone,” “You don’t deserve love, protection, happiness, success or anything else that’s good,” “You are shit!” This is what my addiction says to me. This voice formed long ago, probably before my conscious memory. It could have been formed by something as uneventful as belong left to cry a little too long as an infant. Who knows how it originally formed.

In my later childhood this voice was fortified by abandonment, death, and abuse. It lodged deep in my subconscious, then grew with each subsequent trauma. Every unfortunate event in my life gave it more fuel. I deserved it when my boyfriend hit me. Had it coming when I was raped. I believed this voice so much that I sought out further evidence to prove it right. Choose men that would beat me. Asked them for it. Choose men who were unavailable and would therefore eventually abandon me. Became addicted to those men.

This voice is somewhat quelled by the sexual act. In those short moments I know that I am intensely wanted, desired, valued, maybe even loved. I am validated by the focus and the attention. Then it’s over, and all I want is to feel that validation again, and again, and again.

Nowadays I know that this voice is a liar. I am loved, valued, and worthy of all good things. My friends love me, my family members love me, my sponsor and my fellows love me, and most importantly, I am loved by myself and my Higher Power.

That voice is quieter now, but it’s still there. And sometimes it kicks up a fuss that is difficult to ignore.

Advertisements

16 comments on “Nobody Loves You

  1. pivoine68 says:

    That’s funny, we seem to have the same voice. Go figure!

    Bisous,
    Dawn

  2. Imperfect says:

    Unfortunately, I think a lot of people hear this shitty, lying voice to some degree or another! We just need to keep in mind that feelings aren’t facts.

  3. Castimonia says:

    Yep, the voice is still there. Not as loud as it used to be, but ever present. I must use my tools in recovery to stop the “stinking thinking” and find affirmations from my HP and myself!

    • Imperfect says:

      It’s good (well, not really “good,” but you know what I mean) to hear that males have this voice too. Before I started a recovery program I always looked at men like emotionless robots that were just there to give me what I needed.

  4. Hope says:

    You are loved! and unique. 🙂

  5. bossymoksie says:

    Thanks for that honesty! I never understood why women stayed with certain types of men. I know why I mess around with jerks (games, ego, boredom), but I never take them seriously and I’ve always wondered why and how others could.

  6. bossymoksie says:

    I’m glad you realized that voice is a liar!

  7. The cops are ruthless. I am so glad you have a means of coping with them! xo xo xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s