Fourth Step and an Update

The longer that I go without posting anything here, the weirder it feels to write. Well not to write, per se, but to write for this blog. I’ve been writing a lot recently, but in a different format. I’m working on my fourth step, which, in case you are unfamiliar with the 12 steps, involves a lot of writing. 

I miss blogging, though. Writing for an audience is a much different experience than writing only for oneself. So instead of obsessing and procrastinating writing the perfect “I’m Back” or “I’m Still Here” or “Sorry I’m a Bad Blogger,” or whatever post, I’m just going to dust off the cobwebs and jump right back in with a quick update.

I’m still kicking it in recovery, working on building a bigger, richer life, and taking it one day at a time. I apologize if any of you, my dear readers, (hoping I still have dear readers and not just a bunch of tumble weed and random hits from people goggling pics of Paris Hilton) were worried that I was on a long craigslist/HC/Carson bender; quite the contrary.

As I’m writing my extremely thorough (read: fucking loooooooong as fuck) fourth step, I’m digging up a lot of history/shit/gems (all depends on how you want to look at it) I didn’t even realize were there. There are a lot of stories in my past that I completely forgot about. Mainly, because I wanted to forget them. I keep finding myself thinking, “I really should share this story on my blog,” but at the same time I am feeling more possessive of my memories that I ever did before. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to adopt some healthier boundaries. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid the more I share about myself, the more recognizable I will become. I don’t know why, but I am feeling a little shy.

I plan to write at least one blog entry a week. Maybe it will be a story from my past about some tool that done me wrong (and my part in it), or about something I’ve been holding on to since childhood, or maybe it will be an update like this. So keep checking back for more.

8 comments on “Fourth Step and an Update

  1. Welcome back! Have you ever had an old friend that you contact out of the blue after not speaking for a while? I do that sometimes. It can be easy to pick right back up again, even if it’s been quite some time once you get started. I’m glad you plan on writing regularly again.

    Also, I found a blog I like, I thought you might like it too. And please feel free to share blogs with me, too, that you think I’d like. I’m not sure why, but I don’t find many ones I really like out there. Other people’s problems are so much fun to read about.

  2. Opheliac says:

    Welcome back luv, i’d wondered if your blogging days were over (how sad for the readers that enjoy your writing) or if you’d just moved on to other outlets. Glad to have you back. xoxo

  3. Castimonia says:

    Hoping your sponsor gave you a good inventory sheet to fill out. From what you wrote, it sounds like you are writing out your past experiences (more of a 1st step) than a 4th step inventory. See my post on Working Step 4 for a link to a very good step 4 inventory sheet, if you are interested.

    May God grant you serenity!

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you.

      I’m using a very similar 4th step inventory, the column method based on the Big Book of AA. I’m currently working on my resentments (I have over 60 and counting), and finding a lot of patterns when I look at my part in each resentment. The more resentments I write out, the more I seem to discover. I am almost done with the resentments and will be moving on to fears next.

      • Castimonia says:

        60! wow! That is a very high number (not that there is anything wrong with that). Keep in mind, that more resentments will come up later as we live our lives. The key to working the 12 steps the first time around is to learn them well enough to 1. Use them on a daily basis and as needed and 2. to teach them to a sponsee.

        Good luck!

  4. I have a friend who said the 4th step, “is like opening a wound and seeing how infected you are; it hurts, but the moment it’s out is the moment healing begins.” I personally think there is something truly exquisite about feeling an old pain for the last time. It might be exquisitely painful, but it’s great when you can break the pattern and leave old wounds in your past instead of constantly dragging them into your present. It sounds like it is really working for you, so keep working it! Thanks for the post.

    • Imperfect says:

      Hi Stephanie. Thanks for finding my blog!

      I think that is an extremely apt and beautiful description of what the fourth step entails. I already see myself breaking patterns and am so grateful for that.

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