What Addicts Really Want

On kink and casual sex sites it’s common to see terms like “cock worship” and “pussy worship” bandied about. I never quite understood exactly what these terms meant, but my best guess is amazing head delivered by someone who cannot get enough of the receiver’s genitals. While not everyone on these sites is a sex addict, many of them are. I’ll go out on a limb and say I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about worshipping genitals who wasn’t an active sex addict (sorry if I’m offending any non-addict genital worshipers who will undoubtably find their way here after googling “cock worship” and/ or “pussy worship”).

It’s interesting that worship, a term which literally means reverence or devotion to a deity i.e., a higher power, is used in this context. I picture religious pilgrims knelt down in prayer between a stranger’s legs. Why not say “I’m into cock adoration” or “pussy devotion,” or maybe, “I want to venerate your genitals”? These words all have the same meaning as “worship,” without the spiritual element.

I was never into worshiping sex parts, but this reminds me of other behavior I did have. When I was active in my love addiction, I spent most of my free time looking for that perfect partner. I thought once I found the man who would take care of me and make me feel whole, then I could start living my life. Having this man in my life seemed almost as essential as oxygen. Once I found him, then I could work on my career, my finances, my writing, and all my other hopes and dreams. I didn’t realize it then, but what I was really looking for was my Higher Power.

Similarly, on the BDSM sites I used to frequent I was quite literally looking for a man that I could turn my will and my life over to, which is basically Step 3. Except instead of making a decision to turn their will and life over to a dominant, 12-steppers turn it over to the care of a Higher Power.

This all seems so obvious to me now. The whole time I thought I was searching for an amazing lover I could lose myself in, who would take away all my pain; a boyfriend that would save me from myself and make life tolerable; and a dominant who would take over and make all my decisions for me; I was actually looking for a Higher Power.

I don’t presume to speak for all addicts, but it seems like this could be a major component in most addictions. We’re trying to fill a God-sized hole with drugs, alcohol, food, sex, men, whatever we can find. It’s an impossible task. There will never be enough of anything to fill that hole. Note: I don’t think Higher Power and God have to be synonymous. For me, they are, but I know many atheists and agnostics in 12 steps who put their faith in a non-god higher power—nature, for example.

The more work I do on my recovery, the greater my relationship with my Higher Power becomes. And with that relationship comes hope, peace, and serenity, and everything else I thought I would gain once I found the perfect man.

10 comments on “What Addicts Really Want

  1. Gillian Colbert says:

    It’s funny how we associate these searching behavior to addicts specifically, but I’ve felt them all. The desire to find one man who would complete me, etc. I’ve never engaged in the dangerous behaviors that they use to define addicts, but I was no less addicted in my own right. It took me finding my inner-strength to begin to change my outlook.

    I’m humbled by your journey and your strength.

    Best wishes,


    • Imperfect says:

      It took me a long time to realize that another person can’t complete me, or anyone else. We are all whole, complete people on our own. Feeling incomplete without a partner doesn’t make it so.

      Thanks for following my journey, Gillian. I always appreciate your comments.

  2. Opheliac says:

    Hey there sexy lady- i’m so glad to read a post with a more positive sounding theme than some of the recent ones written through your struggles. i’m sorry i can’t be more help, but i am glad you’re making progress and feeling well. Love always ~ s.g.

  3. lexiconlover says:

    I too happen to also define my Higher Power as God….

    That said, one ex of mine, got so into the 12 steps for his addictions, he became addicted to his Higher Power. Over time studying Scripture, quoting Bible passages and studying it fervently became such a preoccupation dare I say he became more knowledgeable than many men of the cloth. Now I don’t want to go out on a limb here because it may sound blasphemous to some, but addiction is addicition. It’s called cross-addiction.

    I wonder sometimes, can healthy balance ever be achieved? Aristotle spoke of finding the mean, or balance. Buddha spoke of finding the middle way.

    I’m so very far away from finding a connection to my Higher Power that its almost insane to contemplate what being too reliant on God would look like but I think you pose an important distinction….

    A disincorporeal, ominpotent, omnipresent, omniscient Higher Power is infallable by nature and won’t let me down. Conversely, any qualifier (if I put all my apples in their basket to rescue me) will fail everytime.

    It begs the question.

    Perhaps not turning to an external source for my inner turmoil is the answer? Then again, we were not put here to live in isolation…….

    I have no answers……only more existential dilemma and angst I’m afraid dear friend. Thoughtful post~

    • Castimonia says:

      A higher power, as I understand it, is simply a power greater than myself. For some, it is the group, for others, it is a sponsor, a therapist, etc… for me, it varies. However, I have defined my “highest power” as Jesus Christ. I have a variety of “higher powers” (sometimes my internet filter) but only one highest power.

      I have seen “religiosity” take the place of an addiction. The key is to not allow religion to take over ones life where they are missing out on the healthy things in life that God provides to us, our spouses, our children, our family, work, ministry, rest, and enjoyment.

      A healthy balance can be found, but it takes time to find it and perhaps a lot of therapy!

      Take what you like and leave the rest….

  4. Sarah Ochoa says:

    I appreciate your Challenges and Battles you’ve faced. I have been facing love addiction and I have found the ladies at five sisters ranch. I wish you the best in your lifes challenges and offer my prayers to you and your family!

  5. Christy says:

    Not all people knew about love addiction. I myself didn’t know it until I found different forums and articles that I can relate to. I’m glad you’ve already found peace and now on your way to full recovery. More luck on your journey!

  6. Hi there, just wanted to say hi and I’m thinking of you. I like hearing about how you’re doing. Did you end up doing a 30/30? Write another post if you find the time!

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