Missing the Lame

The other day I had dinner with my friend Polly and her new fiance. They met on Match.com. After he finished entertaining us with a story about his worst online dating experience ever, my friend said, “Imperfect (man, I really need a better pen name) has a lot of great Match.com horror stories.”

The funny thing is, I have never actually been on Match.com. Back when I was dating guys I had met on CollarMe or Fetlife, my vanilla friends would ask where I had met the man of the week. “Oh… on, um… Match.com,” I would reply and then quickly change the subject. This was a sufficient enough answer for most of my friends, but Polly always had a lot of follow up questions about Match, how it worked, and the kind of guys who were on it. So, I would make up a bunch of bullshit. Apparently Polly bought it, hook line and sinker, because one day, after she broken up with her last fiance, she told me that she had joined Match.com, on my recommendation. So in a way, my lies helped her find true love — well, convenient love, at least.

Meeting the finance wouldn’t have been a good opportunity to come clean about my (formerly?) kinky lifestyle so I shared my “Match.com” horror stories. I told them the one about the dude that sent a couple of tightly cropped face pics then turned out to be about 200 lbs. bigger than his profile had stated. He thought that buying me lunch gave him license to try to make out with me… in public… in broad daylight. I had to push him away several times as he lurched at me with a wide gaping maw, looking like he was trying to swallow me whole rather than kiss me. I also told them the story of the tool that made me drive an hour in rush hour traffic (his car was in the shop), acted like he was high on coke, then didn’t even offer to pay for my drinks. At the end of the date, he had the nerve to ask me for a ride back to my part of town, because he was meeting “a friend” there.

At the end of the evening, I found myself thinking, wow, I really miss online dating! Not because of Polly and her fiance’s questionable love connection, but because I miss the shitty dates that would later become entertaining anecdotes. Totally healthy, right? No drama addiction here.

Recent experiences have shown me that I’m not quite ready to start dating again. I might rock at collecting and later relating bad and even traumatic date stories, but I still suck at healthy dating.

2 comments on “Missing the Lame

  1. lexiconlover says:

    Very funny post btw. Funny because it is so true. I’ve used fet life, alt.com, but being an addict, I didn’t limit myself to the BDSM sites (I was an equal opportunist) I also used match.com, yahoo, plenty of fish and a whole host of others. I have enough online stories to weave together a horrorfying memoir.

    Like you, I have so much inner work yet to do…..


    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you Lexi! I used the vanilla sites too, just never Match.com. The vast majority of the men I met were from fetish sites, though.

      When I would put a profile on a vanilla site, I got so few responses, and they usually weren’t from “quality” (in quotes because I really mean fuckable) men, but on fetish sites I met doctors, entertainment executives, professors, professional musicians, etc. There are a ton of beautiful, successful woman in this town, and on eHarmony, or other vanilla sites I was competing (unsuccessfully) with all of them for attention. On fetish sites, since there was a smaller pool of women, I was one of the more beautiful, successful women. I realize this is a fucked up way to look at online dating, for several reasons. Success on a dating site should be meeting one person that I click with and can have a healthy relationship with, not meeting a different “quality” guy every week.

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