Yesterday, I talked to Carson. In addition to all of his other problems, he’s in a bad place financially. If things don’t start working out for him soon, he’s going to be homeless. He told me that two nights earlier he got really drunk and then took a handful of sleeping pills, nearly overdosing. Yesterday morning, he woke up staring at the rafters of his celling and thought about hanging himself, so he took another sleeping pill and went back to sleep. My afternoon phone call woke him up.

My response? “That sucks and all but, can I come over and fuck you?” I didn’t use those exact words; I’m not a monster. I put it a lot more tactfully, but that’s what I meant.

Later I was thinking about what a selfish asshole I am. This whole time I’ve been thinking that Carson is bad for me, looking at him like he’s my version of a bottle of booze — a bad habit I’ve picked up but know I’ll eventually be strong enough to put down again. But he’s not a substance, he’s a person and I’m just as bad for him as he is for me. Worse, maybe. I’m not a healthy person right now, and I’m only going to drag Carson down. There isn’t much further he can go.

My typical pattern is to have sex with someone first, then maybe develop a friendship with him later. With a little recovery under my belt, I flipped this formula around with Carson. We hung out for a full two months before anything sexual happened between us. I care about Carson. I wish I could be a positive force in his life and boost him up, but I’m too fucked up to help.

This needs to stop. I need to get better before I can attempt another romantic relationship with someone, and I need to stay away from Carson. If I can’t do it for the sake of my health, I need to do it for the sake of his. I am powerless over the disease of sex and love addiction, though.  Knowing I need to stop some behavior has never before been enough to make me stop. I need to rely on God now more than ever.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

11 comments on “Carson

  1. lexiconlover says:

    *hugs you hard*
    I will pray for you and for Carson~

  2. Imperfect says:

    I appreciate that so much, Lexi. I really do need prayers right now. xo

  3. I was wondering what has made you stop or has inhibited you from acting out in the past? I hope that you find yourself not wanting to call him.

    Something I relate to about your story is how, for me, men who are in lots of pain are attractive to me on some level. I think it really is true about misery loving company. (We’re both managing to be clique with our most recent comments).

    • Imperfect says:

      Before I started SLAA, I never stopped acting out. If one liaison ended there where usually others to fall back on or I would just find someone new. The only time I stopped acting out with someone without replacing him with someone else was with HC. Really the only answer I have as to how I did that is my Higher Power. I couldn’t have done it on my own. I would have gone crazy and contacted his wife. Then I would have probably got a restraining order put on me. Without G-d I would have needed a brick wall to stay away, and that probably wouldn’t even have been enough.

      I’m not sure if men that are going through a hard time are attractive to me or not. Before Carson I never realized in the man I was with was in pain. I was so focused on me and what I wanted and wasn’t getting that I didn’t give much consideration to the experience of the other person. This is a new experience for me, getting to know someone before sex and romance come into play.

  4. Excellent writing… And I can throw all the 12 step cliches at you (a day at a time), but really, what’s that gonna help. Recognition is half the battle. And it sounds like you had a big one here. Remember it is progress, not perfection that is important.

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you. I’ve managed to stay away from him and my other bottom-lines for two days now. “Progress, not perfection” has become my motto on this journey.

  5. Wow, just wow,

    One another note, can you recommend any good books on love addiction?

  6. Hi Imperfect. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. I hope you’re finding lightness and joy, even if there is also darkness. Take care.

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