One Day at a Time

Yesterday, after work, I went over to Carson’s place. I acted out with him. It was physically, and somewhat emotionally fulfilling. He is a good lover. About ten minutes later, while we are lying in bed naked, he got a phone call and went into the other room. Moments later he came back handing me my purse and my sweater, “Sorry sweetie, you have to go, my friend is here.”

Thirty seconds later, I’m semi-dressed (tights and panties stuffed into my purse, carrying my sweater) and being ushered out the back door, while some other girl is waiting for Carson at the front door. I was thinking, Am I really still doing this shit!?!?

I could care less about the nature of Carson’s friendship with this other chick. He says that they are just friends, but she likes him. He, probably rightly, thinks it would be awkward if we met. He could be lying or he could be telling the truth. Carson isn’t my boyfriend and so it really isn’t any of my business. What’s at issue here is the indignity of having to sneak out the back door carrying the undergarments I didn’t have time to put back on, because one of his more respectable friends dropped by unannounced. This isn’t the way I’m meant to be living my life.

Driving home I decided that this thing with Carson had ran it’s course. I had my fun and was ready to get back on track.

This morning, though, I found myself wondering about Carson’s plans for tonight. Thinking about how much he would like the green dress I was planing on wearing for St. Patrick’s Day. Ugh! I hate this disease so fucking much.

I am taking good care of myself. So far, I have had a healthy Saturday. I went to yoga in the morning and then went to a meeting. Today is day five in my 30-in-30 (one meeting a day, for 30 days). Later today, I’m going to a mediation workshop. I know that I won’t be able to see Carson tonight, even though I want to. He has a friend in town and I’m sure he will be hanging out with him. So I know that for today, I won’t act out. Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow.

6 comments on “One Day at a Time

  1. Even though, I’m not in a similar situation, I can relate. I can relate to having a “healthy” day and then “acting out” whatever that means for different people. My mind tends to be obsessive about certain things… going back over and over again… Anyway, I really liked this post. I’m not sure what I wanted to say, just that I understand how you might be feeling. I think it was kind of shitty for him to usher you out the backdoor like that. He should have been mindful of respecting both of you. Sure, she may like him and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings or whatever, but he should have been mindful of your feelings too, or at the very least respectful.

    • Imperfect says:

      Thanks Olga. I’m glad someone else can relate.

      Maybe he could have done things differently, maybe not. But, I’m the one that put myself in that situation. I shouldn’t be in a sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t want to introduce me to his friends. I know better.

      • I wonder why it’s so hard sometimes to extricate ourselves from situations or relationship that we know aren’t good for us? It makes no sense, but we keep doing it anyhow. It hurts to let go and it hurts to keep going in the same direction. It’s very frustrating.

        On the subject of him not introducing you to his friends: I don’t know why “meeting the friends” has become synonymous with commitment. You can be in a sexual relationship with someone and introduce them to your friends without associating all these other meanings to it. I mean, sure, there’s no need to have “activities” or whatever involving both parties if you don’t feel like being closer to that other person or have them in your life in that way, but to actively avoid it is just kind of strange, to me.

  2. Gillian Colbert says:

    I think we can all relate to the struggle of denying ourselves something that we are using to fill a hole. For me, what I’m coming to realize, is that every time I fill the hole “falsely,” it hurts that much more to go without. In short, I’m only making it that much harder. I’ve had to realize that it is the suffering I am denying and I’m trying to find the courage to get through it and bear the pain for as long as necessary until I can find a way to fill the hole permanently.

    Imperfect – You do deserve better than to be treated like a back door slut. It up to you to treat yourself that way though. Best wishes …

    • Imperfect says:

      Thanks Gillian. You are totally right. The more I keep seeing Carson, the worse the withdrawal will eventually be. A small (thankfully) part of me keeps fantasizing that he’ll change–he’ll stop drinking, get his life together, and then want to commit to me. But then I remind myself that even if he went through all those changes, I’m not sure I even like him enough to want to be with him. There is this fucked up part of my brain that thinks anyone who doesn’t want me, or wants me just enough to fuck me only, is desirable. Luckily that voice, the voice of the addict, is getting weaker and the voice of my healthy self is getting stronger.

      • Gillian Colbert says:

        That makes me so happy to hear. I relate to you in many ways and I hope you find your peace!

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