A few weeks ago I broke the one bottom-line that I’d kept for nearly eight months — no sexual activity outside of a committed relationship. I did this with my friend Carson. Carson is a good man, but so lost in his own untreated addictions that he’s not a suitable partner.
I’m not sure how to even write about this. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing about it at all, yet. I want to write, “I am recovering from a relapse,” but a more accurate statement would probably be, “I am attempting to recover from a relapse.”
I’m still committed to SLAA, the program of recovery I’ve been a member of for the past nine months. I’m still going to meetings, going to fellowship, talking with my sponsor, working the steps, and still doing top-line behaviors every day. According to this program, “The only requirement for SLAA membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction.” I still have this desire, now more than ever, yet the words attributed to St. Augustine keep coming to mind, “Dear God, grant me chastity and continence… but not yet.”
I know how pointless it is to look for solace and salvation in the arms of a lover, particularly this lover. I know, but I still want.