One aspect of relationships I have always excelled at is pushing away men that were previously interested in me. Below is a tried and true list of magic phrases I’ve used to make a man disappear (usually not on purpose). Got a guy you’re trying to lose? Suck at breaking up with people? Try out one if these lines.
“The last guy I dated had a huuuge penis. Like, almost too big… The sex was amazing though.”
“What’s your ex’s name? I want to google her.”
“My goal is to get married within the next 6 to 12 months.” This one I would actually use to purposely get rid of overzealous suitors. Success rate: 100%.
“So, last night I was on (insert name of dating site where you met) and saw you were on too… I’ve noticed you still go on there a lot. I also found your profile at (insert another website, the more obscure the better). You’re on there a lot too.” This one requires some research.
“Once I dated this guy who had the smallest penis ever/always came really quick/could never get hard (choose the option you think might be his anxiety). My friends couldn’t stop laughing when I told them about it.”
“Do you think I’d be prettier if I lost a lot weight?” Wait for answer. Then start crying regardless of what it is.
“Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anything serious either…. So, just curious, in how long from now do you think you will be looking for something serious?”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, how do I rate compared to the other girls you’ve dated.” Then, “Only a xx! Why only a xx?” Act super pissed. This will work even if he says 10, because he could have said an 11.
“OMG, I don’t even know why you want to date me. I’m sooooo screwed up, like fucking nuts. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. It’s only a matter of time until I scare you off for good.” This line works best when drunkenly slurred through tears. Bonus points if he’s stone cold sober.
“I miiiiiiiss you so much, baby! Do you miss me?” Text this to him 45 minutes after he’s left your apartment.
“Tell me about the other girls you’re dating. Are any of them prettier/thinner/smarter/better at sex than me?”
“How many people have you had sex with?” Followed by, “That’s all! Why so few?”
Call him up late on a night you know he has to wake up early, crying hysterically. Tell him you are crying over (insert childhood trauma). Ask him to come over and hold you. Repeat the whole production a couple of days later, this time in the middle of his workday.
Try these out. Your guy will be gone in no time.
Feel free to add your own magic lines in the comments.