How to Make a Man Disapear

One aspect of relationships I have always excelled at is pushing away men that were previously interested in me. Below is a tried and true list of magic phrases I’ve used to make a man disappear (usually not on purpose). Got a guy you’re trying to lose? Suck at breaking up with people? Try out one if these lines.

“The last guy I dated had a huuuge penis. Like, almost too big… The sex was amazing though.”

“What’s your ex’s name? I want to google her.”

“My goal is to get married within the next 6 to 12 months.” This one I would actually use to purposely get rid of overzealous suitors. Success rate: 100%.

“So, last night I was on (insert name of dating site where you met) and saw you were on too… I’ve noticed you still go on there a lot. I also found your profile at (insert another website, the more obscure the better). You’re on there a lot too.” This one requires some research.

“Once I dated this guy who had the smallest penis ever/always came really quick/could never get hard (choose the option you think might be his anxiety). My friends couldn’t stop laughing when I told them about it.”

“Do you think I’d be prettier if I lost a lot weight?” Wait for answer. Then start crying regardless of what it is.

“Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anything serious either…. So, just curious, in how long from now do you think you will be looking for something serious?”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how do I rate compared to the other girls you’ve dated.” Then, “Only a xx! Why only a xx?” Act super pissed. This will work even if he says 10, because he could have said an 11.

“OMG, I don’t even know why you want to date me. I’m sooooo screwed up, like fucking nuts. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. It’s only a matter of time until I scare you off for good.” This line works best when drunkenly slurred through tears. Bonus points if he’s stone cold sober.

“I miiiiiiiss you so much, baby! Do you miss me?” Text this to him 45 minutes after he’s left your apartment.

“Tell me about the other girls you’re dating. Are any of them prettier/thinner/smarter/better at sex than me?”

“How many people have you had sex with?” Followed by, “That’s all! Why so few?”

Call him up late on a night you know he has to wake up early, crying hysterically. Tell him you are crying over (insert childhood trauma). Ask him to come over and hold you. Repeat the whole production a couple of days later, this time in the middle of his workday.

Try these out. Your guy will be gone in no time.

Feel free to add your own magic lines in the comments.


14 comments on “How to Make a Man Disapear

  1. “I don’t know that I can commit”

    great post, made me laugh

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you for saying I made you laugh. Sometimes I wonder if anyone gets my sense of humor.

      “I’m not sure I’m capable of committing,” or something like that would have probably been one of the most honest things I could have said (not that I understood that back then). I kind of think, though, based on the type of guys I went for (unavailable), that this statement would only keep ’em coming back for more. I’m a love avoident, in kind of a weird, passive-agressive, clingy way and a guy who would tell me he couldn’t commit was so appealing to me.

  2. Belle Reveur says:

    When my ex told me he loved me for the first time, I laughed. The next time he said it, I told him “you don’t know me well enough to love me.” To which he gave (in retrospect) a perfect response detailing everything that I thought no one knew about me that he knew and loved. When he finished I just said “okay.”

    I have commitment issues, that I’m consciously working through, but I was pretty awful to him and he was a good man for staying around as long as he did. My friends all thought he was the perfect guy for me, but I guess the timing just wasn’t right for me so I said things to make him disappear.

    • Imperfect says:

      At least you didn’t say, “Thank you.” I dated a guy that used to say, thank you every time I said I loved him or I missed him. I wanted to kick him in the face every time he did it. And I didn’t even say, “I love you” in a romantic way. It was months after we stopped dating and were just platonic friends. I meant it in a friendship way. Ugh, he was so full of himself.

      I don’t think laughing is such a crazy response, especially if the person said, “I love you,” comically early.

      Thanks for checking out my blog!

      • I wish I would have known some of these lines BEFORE I got married 3 times. Yeah I know, just cuz I slept with them didn’t mean I had to marry them. Just say no!

        My mom even told me that; “you know Carrie you don’t have to marry/live with/ or even love or like every man you have sex with”.

        Oh oh oh Thank you or he gives you a little squeeze and says “I know you do”. WTF?

        “OMG, I don’t even know why you want to date me. I’m sooooo screwed up, like fucking nuts. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. It’s only a matter of time until I scare you off for good.” This line works best when drunkenly slurred through tears. Bonus points if he’s stone cold sober.
        A very nice added touch to the above is smearing snot on your face with the back of your hand between sobs. They go for kleenex and never come back. Great post, had a few good laughs!

      • Imperfect says:

        “I know you do” with a little squeeze, that may even be worse than, “Thank you” with a somber look. I’d much prefer to be laughed at.

  3. Opheliac says:

    Bravo for another fabulous post!
    First thing that comes to mind (although i’ve never actually used it, should be hilarious though) is if you call them, and say something along the lines of:
    “So i was having this horrible vaginal itch, but it was different than last time because (insert something gross like smell or discharge) so i went to planned parenthood to be on the safe side, the doctor seemed concerned, so even though i haven’t gotten the results- you might want to go get checked” bonus points if you can say it without laughing.

  4. lexiconlover says:

    I almost pissed my pants. Oh God I needed this. you just made my fucking day thank you 🙂

    Your are like Prozac , but better and far more efficacious, never ever stop writing my friend~

  5. Loved it ! A great laugh when I was feeling a little low.

    Here’s one that works for me: “I’d like a relationship but I just don’t think I can be faithful.”

    Cheers, Michelle

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