Saying Goodbye

I found a few new pictures of HC online. They were taken a couple of weeks ago, at a work event. The pictures are the first ones I’ve found that have been taken since I last saw him, eight months ago. He looks like shit. His skin is gray, his eyes sunken, his face is gaunt and saggy. He appears to have lost a lot of weight, and he was already a skinny guy. I want to believe that this is just a bad pic. He’s in terrible lighting, maybe. But there are five pictures, not one and everyone else in the pictures looks fine.

In the latest ads he’s posted on craigslist, he says he is “blowing clouds,” “partying with Tina,” or “looking to party and play.” These are all references to doing crystal meth (thanks, urbandictionary.com). When I was seeing him, I knew he was a stoner. We talked about drugs. He told me he’d never tried anything harder than a pain pill. He’d lied about everything else, so that was obviously a lie too. Maybe he was doing crystal meth when I was seeing him. Maybe that’s why he was so into me, because he was high as shit.

I’ve never been involved with a drug addict (I’ve never heard of anyone using crystal meth recreationally) I’m not involved with one now either (I have to remind myself that he hasn’t been in my life for eight months). I have no interest in ever having sexual or romantic involvement with him again. I’m disturbed that I was ever involved with someone so sick and that I’m still so fixated on him.

As much as he lied to me, and hurt me, I’ve never tagged his posts with the “asshole” tag that pretty much every other guy I write about gets. He’s the sickest man I’ve ever been obsessed with, but he’s not an asshole.

I look at those pictures, and those craigslist ads, and I worry about him. Then I remind myself that he is not mine to worry about. He has a spouse, children, parents, and siblings; four categories of people I have none of. They can worry about him. I need to save my worries for myself and leave this poor man alone.

It’s not healthy to keep a connection alive to a relationship that was so insignificant. Although I said goodbye to him months ago, I’m finally ready to say goodbye to the fixation. It’s time. Goodbye HC. Take care. I’ll pray for you.

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9 comments on “Saying Goodbye

  1. Opheliac says:

    Using meth is walking a fine line, most people get hooked- and there are many who will continually use while claiming to be getting clean soon. Some really do get clean for short periods of time- always short lived. i’ve known several in both catagories. He probably was lying, which is no surprise. i am glad if you’re really saying goodbye- because this puts you in a better place to tak care of yourself, and that’s what really matters. i luvers yew.

  2. pivoine68 says:

    That is the big problem with the internet…even when you are really, honestly trying to forget someone who is bad for you, there’s always this chance of running into him again online. Not to mention how easy it is to stalk someone you’re finished with. My specialty. Once someone is in my sick little head, he stays until he is properly replaced by another.

    I liked your post!

    • Imperfect says:

      That’s my specialty too. I’m so good at it that I’ve even thought about a career as a private investigator. Maybe we should go into business together, lol.

      • pivoine68 says:

        That’s a great idea. In the unlikely event that we don’t become rich and famous through our writing, we will have a Plan B way of making some cash….plus it will be so much fun! lol!

  3. I am so glad to hear that you are done with him. He really shouldn’t take up any more space in your head. He is a sick person that you can’t fix. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone who really cares about you.

  4. Being in such a situation is so exhausting. It drains you. I move from one obsession to another and it’s so hard to flip that switch off. And I know it isn’t healthy. *bangs head*

    It’s good that you’re learning and embracing the power of goodbye.

    • Imperfect says:

      It’s really hard to get over an obsession without having a new one to latch on to. I know I wouldn’t have been obsessed with HC for so long if there was another man in my life. But trying to fix one problem with another one is never a good idea.

      I haven’t spied on HC since I wrote this post. I have thought about him, but only for a few seconds at a time. He doesn’t occupy so much space in my head anymore.

      It feels weird not to have anyone that I am currently obsessed with, interested in, or crushing on; but it also feels really good.

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