I found a few new pictures of HC online. They were taken a couple of weeks ago, at a work event. The pictures are the first ones I’ve found that have been taken since I last saw him, eight months ago. He looks like shit. His skin is gray, his eyes sunken, his face is gaunt and saggy. He appears to have lost a lot of weight, and he was already a skinny guy. I want to believe that this is just a bad pic. He’s in terrible lighting, maybe. But there are five pictures, not one and everyone else in the pictures looks fine.
In the latest ads he’s posted on craigslist, he says he is “blowing clouds,” “partying with Tina,” or “looking to party and play.” These are all references to doing crystal meth (thanks, urbandictionary.com). When I was seeing him, I knew he was a stoner. We talked about drugs. He told me he’d never tried anything harder than a pain pill. He’d lied about everything else, so that was obviously a lie too. Maybe he was doing crystal meth when I was seeing him. Maybe that’s why he was so into me, because he was high as shit.
I’ve never been involved with a drug addict (I’ve never heard of anyone using crystal meth recreationally) I’m not involved with one now either (I have to remind myself that he hasn’t been in my life for eight months). I have no interest in ever having sexual or romantic involvement with him again. I’m disturbed that I was ever involved with someone so sick and that I’m still so fixated on him.
As much as he lied to me, and hurt me, I’ve never tagged his posts with the “asshole” tag that pretty much every other guy I write about gets. He’s the sickest man I’ve ever been obsessed with, but he’s not an asshole.
I look at those pictures, and those craigslist ads, and I worry about him. Then I remind myself that he is not mine to worry about. He has a spouse, children, parents, and siblings; four categories of people I have none of. They can worry about him. I need to save my worries for myself and leave this poor man alone.
It’s not healthy to keep a connection alive to a relationship that was so insignificant. Although I said goodbye to him months ago, I’m finally ready to say goodbye to the fixation. It’s time. Goodbye HC. Take care. I’ll pray for you.