Everyone Else’s Problems: Solved

I spent a couple of hours this afternoon trying to convince a recovery friend not to see her qualifier who had called her out of the blue, for sex, after four months. I was shocked, and frankly a little pissed, that she was even contemplating seeing this asshole after all the shit he had put her though. Why couldn’t she see what a horrible, horrible idea it was to see this guy again? At the same time, though, I am so close to the edge of the cliff that is my sobriety. I want to contact my qualifier so bad right now. He’s married. He’s a sex addict. He lied to you about everything. There is no possible future with this man. I need to keep repeating those lines to myself like a mantra.

When it comes to everyone else’s shitty love life, it’s always so clear what to do. Stop sleeping with the guy who is just using you for sex. Problem solved. Stop calling the guy who keeps telling you it’s over. All better, now. Don’t get back together with the man who physically abused you. Done and done. Stop having sex with people you just met. Check. Stop lying to everyone you have sex with. Fixed. See, it’s so easy. But when it comes to my own history of terrible relationships, it’s always been impossible to see the way out. I’m so scared of what my life will be if I go back to HC or find someone else just like him. That’s what’s keeping me from calling him. I know people in program who are 10, 20, even 30 years older than me who have spent their lives going from one unavailable sex partner to another, using people and being used. I can’t take a lifetime, or even one more year of acting out. I can’t jump back into the cycle, and I can’t go through withdrawal again.

I’ve been white knuckling my sobriety lately, but neglecting many other areas of my life. Even the word “sobriety” sounds ridiculous considering the amount of wine, pot, and junk food I’ve been putting away. I could probably qualify for at least half-a-dozen other 12 Step programs. If I was someone else, I would tell myself, “Instead of coming home after work, plopping down in front of the tv with a glass of wine and some starchy food; you should go to a meeting, or the gym, or yoga.” But, since I’m me, I tell myself, “Don’t worry. You can do all that stuff tomorrow. Have another glass of wine and some more mashed potatoes.”

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6 comments on “Everyone Else’s Problems: Solved

  1. A great post! It is so true how easy it is to solve everyone else’s problems or see how simple the solution is. There are days when reminding myself of how bad all of this is for me actually works… and then there are others when I tell myself to shut up and just embrace how good all of this shit feels.

  2. lexiconlover says:

    Now I feel bad that I leaned on you to keep from picking up the phone to call my POS qualifier and not return his e-mail. I had no idea that you were struggling with HC so much. I feel like an asshole. Shows how fragile and ego-centric I am. I am so sorry I haven’t been there for you.

    • Imperfect says:

      Don’t worry, I’m not going to contact him. I have five months today (yay!) and need to get to at least six months to finish my self-imposed trial period.

      If I ever feel like I am on the verge of contacting him though, you will be on the list of people I call first.

  3. Thank you for stopping by my blog. This entry is just really spoke to me today and is what I needed to hear. Thank you.

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