Fantasy, Obsession, Spying… Getting Through the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I don’t think of HC, the man I was (somedays still might be) obsessed with, too much these days. I mean, I do — he pops into my head all of the time, but instead of indulging these thoughts I try to pop him right out. Sometimes the old fantasy creeps in though. All he has to do is get a divorce, and get treatment for his sex addiction and compulsive lying. That’s all. Then we can reunite and live happily ever after. There must be a reason we were so drawn to each other, and a reason why I still think of him after all this time. Thankfully, when I have these thoughts now days another voice pops into my head. Whether it’s my higher power, or my higher self; it simply says, the man you are meant to be with is so much better than HC.

The last time I spied on HC, I found him on Craigslist posting ads in the casual encounters section. He said he was single and could host in a nice house. He posted this ad several times in one weekend. Although this information didn’t bode well for his sex addiction, it got my addict somewhat excited. Maybe, it’s true then? Maybe he lives apart from his wife, just like he always used to claim. Then I googled his wife and found her on another website where she is currently planning their 10-year vow renewal ceremony, which will take place in the Bahamas in the Summer of 2013. Hmm… probably not divorced then? Looks like she had just gone away for the weekend.

I have several bottom-lines, which are activities I abstain from in order to be considered “sober” in my recovery program. The ones I thought would be the hardest to give up — unavailable men, compulsively meeting new guys to date or hook-up with, and even contacting HC — have been not exactly easy, but relatively easy compared to giving up online spying. Online spying is so easy. I can do it alone, just me and my computer, and no one has to ever find out about it. It also gets me high. My heart races, I get a huge rush, I sometimes even get light headed. There is also a huge crash after the initial high, which feels like absolute shit.

I have managed to stay away from the spying for more than a month now, but with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day coming up; I’m feeling a huge desire to look up HC. I know his wife will be tweeting and posting on Facebook about their holiday plans, and that there will probably be pictures. I feel like if I can get through to 2012 without spying on him and his family, it will be all downhill from there.  Please keep me in your thoughts for the next month or so. I need all the help I can get.

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6 comments on “Fantasy, Obsession, Spying… Getting Through the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

  1. First, you deserve so much better than him. Second, I know all too well the feelings of wanting to spy and the rush that comes along with it. You can get through this. You are not alone. You are always in my thoughts. xo

  2. Imperfect says:

    Thank you, Love. You are in mine, as well. I’m really down today. I get so lonely around this time of the year.

  3. lexiconlover says:

    You are in my thoughts.

    Remember from the Big Book “I get drunk, we stay sober.” or to modify for SLAA….

    “I act out; we stay sober.” Don’t isolate…..reach out, talk about it, instead of acting call and vent, there are so many of us struggling with the same urges and compulsions.

    No, seriously though. Work the program. Use the tools in your toolbelt. Be mindful, willing….do it a day at a time, an hour, a minute…….whatever it freakin takes, you can do this!

    These slogans help me out:

    The elevator is broken——-use the Steps

    My worst day in sobriety is better than my best day acting out.

    xo

  4. Jessica says:

    Honesty is so rare. You are in my thoughts. You have broken a barrier by resisting for a month.

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