A Fat Cock and a Fat Wallet

While I was active in my addiction, I met most of the men I “dated” on a BDSM personals site. For years, I had a sweet, innocent, good-little-submissive-girl profile. I don’t remember what it said exactly. “Looking for daddy, blah, blah, don’t have much experience, something, something, educated, professional, good girl, blah, blah, lady on the streets freak in the sheets, yada, yada, loving, caring daddy dom, etc. etc.” This profile underwent many changes over the years, but the gist of it was always that I was a sweet girl who didn’t have much experience in the lifestyle (lies!), that I was looking for something monogamous and wouldn’t date anyone who was attached to someone else (more lies), and I wanted to find a good, normal guy (unintentional lies) that just happened to be a kinkster.

In the year leading up to my recovery, my interest the kink lifestyle began to wane. Wane, but not disappear. I still occasionally met people off of the BDSM site. Though, most of the time I was now spending on the site was looking for ridicule-worthy profiles to laugh at and email my sub friends. One day I decided to to create a second profile that reflected what I was really looking for. The text of this profile was as follows: “Not going to lie, I’m on here looking for a dude with a fat cock and a fat wallet. Please do not email me unless you have both.” Of course, I got tons of well-deserved hate mail; but to my crazy brain, it was all highly entertaining.

Looking back, I realize how delusional I was at the time. I had nothing going on in my life but pursuing and obsessing over unavailable men, yet I would haughtily laugh at other people’s emails and profiles. Like I was such a prize? Sure, no one wants a socially inept, unemployed “dom” who lives in his mommy’s basement; but no one wants some smart-ass, underemployed, clingy, obsessive “sub” with major abandonment issues, either. And if they do, it’s for a good time, not for a long time.

Even though my inappropriate second profile didn’t deserve anything other than derision and hate mail, I actually met someone not awful from it. Mr. FCFW was everything his name implied. He was also married. Unlike HC, he never lied about it (not to me, at least; I’m sure there was plenty of lying to his wife). We slept together a few times, and then became platonic friends. He was supposed to be my “sugar daddy,” but I’ve never gotten more than a few beers out of him.

I still talk to Mr. FCFW frequently. In fact, he’s really the only heterosexual male I interact with on a one-on-one basis. I have some mixed feelings about this friendship. Sometimes our conversations get a little flirty (almost always initiated by me). Sometimes I even slip into calling him “Daddy.” And then there is the fact that he has a wife and a family that know nothing about me. That being said, he is a good man. He never has anything but glowing things to say about his wife and his kids. He is very supportive of my recovery from sex/love addiction. I know that he respects me enough to never do anything sexual with me again.

I don’t know if this friendship will stand the test of time. At some point in the future of my recovery I (or my sponsor) might decide that it’s too inappropriate. He might get tired of my neediness (we may just be friends, but I am a neeeedy friend), or we might just outgrow each other. For today, though, I’m glad that Mr. FCFW is one of my friends.

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8 comments on “A Fat Cock and a Fat Wallet

  1. lexiconlover says:

    That’s too funny, with me it was the complete reverse. I was naive enough to post nearly complete honesty in the “real ad”. I think my profile said “hardcore monogamist seeking LTR w/ same”. Since I had a very small child and didn’t want to be the target for pedophiles, I omitted that from my profile. How would I know if men are hitting on me, or to gain access to my child.*shivers*

    The truth was that I wanted to find a nice normal family guy who went to Church on Sundays, who was just into kink in the sheets. I figured I’d disclose my situation only if things became serious. This notion itself was delusional as you pointed out in your post. I wasn’t going to find quality family men on a fuck site, period. As you said, who’d want me, needy, clingy, obsessive, abandonment issues etc.

    Then I met said devil ex-qualifier. Things did become serious. He accepted my child. The rest of the 3.5 years are history. LOL…I did create many fake profiles to spy on him to see what he was “up to” over the years. There was my entertainment, some real hootenanny replies from these fucktard Doms as you can well imagine. But many times thought about leaving the devil for greener pastures.

    I truly was fairly green to BDSM going into this relationship. And I ended up with a sexual sadist. Ted Bundy himself. Nothing like tested by fire eh?

    • Imperfect says:

      In a way, both of my profiles were honest. I did want to find a nice, normal guy, who just happened to be into kink. Like an idiot, I was looking for my future husband on what was essentially a hook-up site. I also had this idea that in the meantime before I met my “soulmate,” I could have casual sex with inappropriate/unavailable men. Of course, it was usually these unavailable men I ended up getting hooked on.

      On the BDSM site, I actually met a lot of decent, “normal” guys. Few of them were looking for a long-term relationships (duh, it was a sex site), but most of them weren’t psychopaths. I’m sorry that you had to meet and fall for this guy, but glad he is in your past.

  2. I love your honesty with a little bit of humor thrown in! I’ve posted on adult sites but was always too scared to meet anyone in person. Actually looking for my own FCFW isn’t sounding too bad right about now. πŸ™‚

  3. To me that’s one of the most difficult parts of love addiction. With substance addictions the drug is easily and clearly defined. But with love addiction the drug is relationships, which, when done right, can also be the “cure”. It feels like a paradox. It can be difficult to figure out which relationships are drugs and which ones are supportive and sustaining.

  4. Opheliac says:

    Of all the bad stuff that ever happened meeting stupid moron idiot face “Dom”s off of BDSM sites, don’t you think there’s plenty good too? Like moi for example! What are the chances or odds you’re going to find someone so taken with you- in their nervousness they sit on a slice of pineapple cheesecake? Priceless πŸ˜‰

  5. Tod Deskin says:

    There are unquestionably lots of parallels between your drug use and mine, it is astounding how strong habit is and the lengths it’ll drive us to. I have a 12 yr old daughter, I was large as a kite for most of her young life, my only saving grace there is that I was still a great father to her even though I was stoned all the time. She believes I’m the greatest father in the world….go figure, eh?

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