I just got home from work.
I work with a really sweet woman. She is five years younger than me and a newlywed. She is so wholesome and genuine and seems so happy in her new marriage. When I first met her, I didn’t think I would like her at all. She just seemed too perfect to be likable — skinny, pretty, younger, with a well-off and close-knit family, a sweet husband, and a better job than my own. But as I’ve gotten to know her, I can’t help but love her.
Today, like most days, I came home to a living room full of boxes, a moody cat, and my obsessions. The highlight of my evening will probably be drinking a glass or two of red wine and watching tv. I can’t help but feel jealous of my friend Haley. It must be so nice to come home to a husband, and to have a healthy partner to share your life with. I hope some day I can find that.
I now have about four months of recovery in SLAA. Most days, I no longer feel like I’m in crisis. The longing for the last guy I was with is getting less and less. I am, however, extremely lonely. Part of me really wants to find a new guy, to jump into something to make this loneliness go away. But a bigger part of me wants what my friend Haley has — a real life, a partner, a family, a home that’s more than just a place to live.
The negative voice in my head/my addict/whatever it is exactly likes to tell me that there is a snowball’s chance in hell that I will ever find someone to love me. I should just settle for having sex with lots of unavailable men, or if I’m lucky, finding a dom with lots of other submissives that I can be a “slave” to. I’ll never have what my friend Haley has. I’ll never have a real family or a real home.
For today, though, I’m choosing not to listen to that voice. I’m breaking the pattern that I have been acting out my entire adult life, and I don’t know what the results will be. I do know that I want something that I have never had before, and in order to achieve that, I must do things that I’ve never done before.