I just got home from work.

I work with a really sweet woman. She is five years younger than me and a newlywed. She is so wholesome and genuine and seems so happy in her new marriage. When I first met her, I didn’t think I would like her at all. She just seemed too perfect to be likable — skinny, pretty, younger, with a well-off and close-knit family, a sweet husband, and a better job than my own. But as I’ve gotten to know her, I can’t help but love her.

Today, like most days, I came home to a living room full of boxes, a moody cat, and my obsessions. The highlight of my evening will probably be drinking a glass or two of red wine and watching tv. I can’t help but feel jealous of my friend Haley. It must be so nice to come home to a husband, and to have a healthy partner to share your life with. I hope some day I can find that.

I now have about four months of recovery in SLAA. Most days, I no longer feel like I’m in crisis. The longing for the last guy I was with is getting less and less. I am, however, extremely lonely. Part of me really wants to find a new guy, to jump into something to make this loneliness go away. But a bigger part of me wants what my friend Haley has — a real life, a partner, a family, a home that’s more than just a place to live.

The negative voice in my head/my addict/whatever it is exactly likes to tell me that there is a snowball’s chance in hell that I will ever find someone to love me. I should just settle for having sex with lots of unavailable men, or if I’m lucky, finding a dom with lots of other submissives that I can be a “slave” to. I’ll never have what my friend Haley has. I’ll never have a real family or a real home.

For today, though, I’m choosing not to listen to that voice. I’m breaking the pattern that I have been acting out my entire adult life, and I don’t know what the results will be. I do know that I want something that I have never had before, and in order to achieve that, I must do things that I’ve never done before.




4 comments on “Home

  1. lexiconlover says:

    I want the family, the home, that life too, but feel it’s out of reach; like it will never happen for me. I’ve tried too many times (with the wrong men) and never found it. You are several months ahead of me in recovery. I have only been working SLAA How for 2 weeks. I have a sponsor. I feel overwhelmed by it all. Lots to process. I read your blog and feel hope though. You, believe it or not shine a light for me~

  2. Alyx says:

    I have everything I ever wanted- a perfect home, family, community, career, and son, and I’m intensely unhappy at times. I haven’t talk to may last affair in 3 weeks and not having him in my life feels so painful. I’m waiting out the depression and withdrawal, trying to give myself time and simply “notice” what I’m experiencing. It feels like there will come a time in the near future when I’ll have to tell him everything, and that thought looms over me and is making me sick, literally.

    I got everything I ever wanted and the chase was over at age 30. I felt like I had arrived, and the moment that feeling came to me, I started longing for love outside of the marriage.

    • Imperfect says:

      I guess you can never tell what is going on in someone’s life from the outside. Sorry you are going through such a hard time right now, but congratulations on taking the first steps and ending the affair.

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