Today I went to a meeting. The speaker’s share made me think about a fantasy I used to have. In my past, when I was in a relationship with someone I was addicted to and felt them pulling away, the thought that I should “accidentally” get pregnant would occur to me. The fantasy was that if I got pregnant with the man’s child, he would stay with me. At first, out of obligation, but then out of love. Of course, logic would win out in the end and I never ended up trying to get knocked up. Thank God.

A few days ago I started a longer blog on the saying, “Rejection is God’s protection,” revisiting some old relationships and exploring if my life was better off now than it would have been if I had stayed with each person in question. The resounding answer in all of these cases yes. Of course, it’s not possible to actually know for sure. But it’s very unlikely I would be anything more than miserable with any of the guys I was obsessed with in the past.

I doubt I am going to finish the blog, which at first I intended to be funny, because it was just too painful thinking about these toxic relationships, especially the ones I had in my 20s. The idea of having a chid with any of these men is nightmarish. I think that’s why this man’s share was so upsetting to me. How much worse would my life be now if I was currently pregnant with HC’s baby? The idea makes me sick.

I really do want to have a child someday, but only under the right circumstances. The possibility gets less and less with every birthday that goes by, but I trust if it’s in God’s plan for me, it will happen. One thing that’s for sure, I’m glad it hasn’t happened yet. Right now I am struggling to take care of myself. I can’t imagine if I was responsible for another life.


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