Driving and Crying

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of break downs (of the crying variety) while driving. I don’t know why I feel so comfortable letting lose in my car, in traffic, in broad daylight, in view of tons of people. I mean I would never just start crying on the street. Wait. I take that back. I would and I have. In those cases though, I at least had the decency to try to be discreet about it. In my car it’s like I momentarily forget I’m not invisible. I know people can see me. When I’m stuck in traffic (and not crying) I frequently look at other motorists. I see people singing, picking their noses, putting on make-up, talking on their phones, but I don’t ever recall seeing someone bawling like a baby (except, of course, actual babies). And, by the way, I am not one of those girls who look delicate and vulnerable when crying. My face gets red and contorts, snot runs out of my nose. I look like a wild animal and it’s not a pretty sight.

Side note: I did a google image search for “ugly cry” and the above picture of Paris Hilton came up first. I choose to put it at the top of this post, just cause she was in a car. If that qualifies as an ugly cry face, I really am in trouble. My ugly cry looks more like this picture of Sookie from True Blood, but way, way uglier:

Anyway, on to the reason why I was crying today. I was driving home from looking at a couple of apartments and the “OMG you’re are such a pathetic loser” mantra was going through my head. The apartments I looked at today, were just like the ones I’ve been looking at everyday. One unit was a dump — dirty, not well-maintained, depressing; and the other was was ok (at my price range, ok is the best I can hope to find). I’d say the ratio of dumps to ok places I’ve been looking at is about 2:1. So, of course, I am interested in the ok apartment, but so are a lot of other people. I’m told that three other people have already submitted applications (on an apartment that was listed on craigslist only hours prior), but if for some reason all of their applications fall through because of bad credit, I’m next on the list. And all I can think is that if the three people ahead of me are rejected for bad credit, I’m sure I will be as well.

I couldn’t help but think if I had put nearly as much energy as I put into my obsession and addiction into finding a decent job, I would have an amazing career right now and I wouldn’t have to be competing for shitty apartments with college students. Instead, I am over-educated, under employed and earn an hourly wage, without benefits and can’t pay my bills. If I had put nearly as much energy into anything healthy I would probably own property, be married and have three kids. I mean, if I am going to beat up on myself for past mistakes, I might as well just pile everything on there.

The good news is that I am in recovery now. I don’t own a time machine, so I can’t go back ten years and do everything differently, but I can do things differently starting now. Every day, I can make better choices. Instead of spending all my free time looking for new guys that might be “the one,” looking for guys to fuck, obsessing over the guy of the month, dating, fucking, preparing for a date or a fuck, etc; I can spend my time finding a better job, or making my life better in some way.

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9 comments on “Driving and Crying

  1. M says:

    I can totally relate. This is very painful.

  2. Ramona says:

    Your entry makes me sad. Nothing worse than seeing people in pain, whether physically or emotionally. Seems like you are in so much emotional pain. This pains me to see this, but please get some real help.

  3. You are on the right track!

    The “if only’s” can drag us down to where we can’t move forward. I beat myself up all the time and next time you see a blue GMC look carefully you might see a woman in it crying using a sock because she couldn’t find a tissue to blow her nose. I was living in my truck 2 years ago, and I had nothing at over 50 yrs old, if I can do it so can you!

    Baby steps, its ok to cry, it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, but you have to believe good things are waiting for you. If you don’t believe in God believe in karma, a higher power, the fairness of the universe, pray, think, believe good things into your life. It works, it really does, and look for opportunities that maybe don’t fit YOUR plan, sometimes we are so busy looking for the door we miss the windows.

    Good luck! I hope you find a place soon.

    • Imperfect says:

      Thank you so much. This is great advice.

      Btw, I did find a very nice place about two weeks after I wrote this. It’s bigger than my old place and significantly less expensive. I have been living here for just over a month and I love it.

  4. Great post. It reminded me of all the times I’ve cried in my car. Often, because it was one of the only places I could be alone. I was visiting my mom once when my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone when I called him to wish him happy birthday. I couldn’t really let it all out in front of my Mom, so I drove somewhere private, parked my car and had a good cry. I later drove out to visit my best friend, and although she was very supportive, I just wanted to be alone so I could cry. I spent one night, and then drove home… a four hour drive where all I did was bawl my eyes out.

    • Imperfect says:

      Fortunately there hasn’t been much car crying for me since I wrote this. I guess, if one needs to have an emotional breakdown, there are worse places. Thanks for your comment Olga!

  5. excellent writing my dear, so glad to see your blog>>>following!

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