Lately, I’ve been having a lot of break downs (of the crying variety) while driving. I don’t know why I feel so comfortable letting lose in my car, in traffic, in broad daylight, in view of tons of people. I mean I would never just start crying on the street. Wait. I take that back. I would and I have. In those cases though, I at least had the decency to try to be discreet about it. In my car it’s like I momentarily forget I’m not invisible. I know people can see me. When I’m stuck in traffic (and not crying) I frequently look at other motorists. I see people singing, picking their noses, putting on make-up, talking on their phones, but I don’t ever recall seeing someone bawling like a baby (except, of course, actual babies). And, by the way, I am not one of those girls who look delicate and vulnerable when crying. My face gets red and contorts, snot runs out of my nose. I look like a wild animal and it’s not a pretty sight.
Side note: I did a google image search for “ugly cry” and the above picture of Paris Hilton came up first. I choose to put it at the top of this post, just cause she was in a car. If that qualifies as an ugly cry face, I really am in trouble. My ugly cry looks more like this picture of Sookie from True Blood, but way, way uglier:
Anyway, on to the reason why I was crying today. I was driving home from looking at a couple of apartments and the “OMG you’re are such a pathetic loser” mantra was going through my head. The apartments I looked at today, were just like the ones I’ve been looking at everyday. One unit was a dump — dirty, not well-maintained, depressing; and the other was was ok (at my price range, ok is the best I can hope to find). I’d say the ratio of dumps to ok places I’ve been looking at is about 2:1. So, of course, I am interested in the ok apartment, but so are a lot of other people. I’m told that three other people have already submitted applications (on an apartment that was listed on craigslist only hours prior), but if for some reason all of their applications fall through because of bad credit, I’m next on the list. And all I can think is that if the three people ahead of me are rejected for bad credit, I’m sure I will be as well.
I couldn’t help but think if I had put nearly as much energy as I put into my obsession and addiction into finding a decent job, I would have an amazing career right now and I wouldn’t have to be competing for shitty apartments with college students. Instead, I am over-educated, under employed and earn an hourly wage, without benefits and can’t pay my bills. If I had put nearly as much energy into anything healthy I would probably own property, be married and have three kids. I mean, if I am going to beat up on myself for past mistakes, I might as well just pile everything on there.
The good news is that I am in recovery now. I don’t own a time machine, so I can’t go back ten years and do everything differently, but I can do things differently starting now. Every day, I can make better choices. Instead of spending all my free time looking for new guys that might be “the one,” looking for guys to fuck, obsessing over the guy of the month, dating, fucking, preparing for a date or a fuck, etc; I can spend my time finding a better job, or making my life better in some way.