I Want to Act Out

Don’t worry, I probably won’t, but I want to.

Craving sexual oblivion or some way to check out from my thoughts, my feelings… my self. I want to see HC or at least spy on him online.

How long do I have to go without this guy before my obsession ebbs? It’s been three months already. I know he isn’t sitting around thinking about me. This is pathetic. If I wasn’t in this program, I would have found some new guy to make these feelings go away, or at least to stuff them down for a bit. Which, I know isn’t a solution, but at least I wouldn’t be feeling so pathetic.

I just did a phone meeting and I wasn’t into it at all. There is a yoga class starting in about an hour that I usually go to, but I don’t want to. There is also an in-person meeting starting in about an hour. It’s one I haven’t been to before. Maybe I should go to that? I kinda just want to buy a bottle of wine, a wedge of brie, and turn off my brain in front of the tv.

Praying for the strength to take contrary action.

 

Update for my many three readers: I skipped the yoga class and the meeting, for the brie and the wine; but instead of checking out with tv, I made a series of outreach calls, and talked to three other women in my program. I did not act out. I guess this would be an example of “progress, not perfection.”

 

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