This morning I woke up with some uncomfortable feelings. I haven’t seen or communicated with HC (the last guy I had a seriously unhealthy involvement with, prior to deciding to work a program of recovery) since early May. Recently, the specific craving for him has lessened. But this morning I woke up missing him. I missed his smell, his touch, his voice, his hands, his body. The feeling was intense. I know if I wanted to, I could call him and he would probably want to see me, but I know the high I would get off the couple hours I spent with him would not be worth the pain that would come after.
Three months without HC in my life, has made the feelings of withdrawal from him more manageable. At first it was absolute agony, though. I know if I see him again, the clock will reset and I will be exactly where I was three months ago, and possibly even worse off.
So instead of contacting HC, or spying on him online (one of my bottom lines and something I could literarily waste the day doing), I took contrary action. I got up and got out of my house and took a yoga class. After that class I took a second one.
Yoga is a huge tool for me in recovery. It not only distracts me from the pain of withdrawal, but it is also healing. After I practice, I feel like a better person. I feel centered and whole.
At the end of the second class, the instructor had us place our hands in prayer position, with our thumbs at our foreheads, praying for clarity of thought. Then we moved our thumbs to our lips and prayed for clarity of words. Finally we moved to our heart to pray for clarity of action.
Next time I am obsessing over HC or some other asshole, feeling the urge to flirt with an unavailable guy , or about to act out, I will practice this and ask my Higher Power for clarity.