Clarity

This morning I woke up with some uncomfortable feelings. I haven’t seen or communicated with HC (the last guy I had a seriously unhealthy involvement with, prior to deciding to work a program of recovery) since early May. Recently, the specific craving for him has lessened. But this morning I woke up missing him. I missed his smell, his touch, his voice, his hands, his body. The feeling was intense. I know if I wanted to, I could call him and he would probably want to see me, but I know the high I would get off the couple hours I spent with him would not be worth the pain that would come after.

Three months without HC in my life, has made the feelings of withdrawal from him more manageable. At first it was absolute agony, though. I know if I see him again, the clock will reset and I will be exactly where I was three months ago, and possibly even worse off.

So instead of contacting HC, or spying on him online (one of my bottom lines and something I could literarily waste the day doing), I took contrary action. I got up and got out of my house and took a yoga class. After that class I took a second one.

Yoga is a huge tool for me in recovery. It not only distracts me from the pain of withdrawal, but it is also healing. After I practice, I feel like a better person. I feel centered and whole.

At the end of the second class, the instructor had us place our hands in prayer position, with our thumbs at our foreheads, praying for clarity of thought. Then we moved our thumbs to our lips and prayed for clarity of words. Finally we moved to our heart to pray for clarity of action.

Next time I am obsessing over HC or some other asshole, feeling the urge to flirt with an unavailable guy , or about to act out, I will practice this and ask my Higher Power for clarity.

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2 comments on “Clarity

  1. vinnie says:

    I’m a 49 year old gay man who just today decided to take the first step into recovery as a sex love addict. I am feeling some relief from my pain as I am reading your words. What resonated with me especially was ” but I know the high I would get off the couple hours I spent with him would not be worth the pain that would come after.” I had a two day affair with a young man i met and when he blew me off I felt devastated even knowing it would never work out. Thank you and good luck.

  2. Imperfect says:

    Thanks Vinnie and congratulations on taking the first step in your recovery! I’ve been working a program of recovery for about a month and a half now. It hasn’t been easy at all, and I am doing it far from perfectly. I’m taking it one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time. It helps to know I’m not the only one out there feeling like this. Best of luck to you.

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