I Wish I Could

“All we knew was that we could not go back into our active sex and love addiction again.”

I read this line today while reading “Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God,” in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Basic Text, and it gave me pause. I know that I CAN’T, but sometimes I wish I could. I wish I could in a way that didn’t have consequences, that is.

I wish I could date and fuck whomever I please without getting obsessed with any of them. I wish I could fall in love/lust left and right, and then just move on when it got old without getting hurt or hurting anyone. I wish I could do all this, all while managing to find a partner, start a family, and have a career I am proud of.  I know some people CAN do this. I know because I have fucked some of them. There are many men who do just this, and if their wife never finds out (and the wives/girlfriends I know in this position are usually in too much denial to ever realize what is going on), their sexual and romantic actions are pretty much free of consequences.

But for me, there are consequences. I am an addict. When I get hooked on someone, I become obsessed, clingy, and needy — driving him away. When I am acting out there is no room in my life for healthy pursuits, like career or personal advancement. I end up staying up all night scouring the internet, trying to find every single thing I can about the object of my obsession, and then having to call in sick to work the next day. I end up putting myself in dangerous situations with dangerous people – getting assaulted, being secretly filmed, threatened, intimidated. I end up in situations where the police are called. And as low as those bottoms have been in the past, I know they will get even lower if I return to my active addiction.

It isn’t fair. I wish I could be some dick guy without any sense of guilt or un-wholeness, fucking and “loving” my way through a charmed life. I learned long ago, though, that life is seldom fair. I can indulge in a bit of wishful thinking, now and again, but I need to remember that acceptance of what is is the true key to serenity.

One comment on “I Wish I Could

  1. Opheliac says:

    It’s all so true… Sick and sad, but true!

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