For Today

Yesterday wasn’t a great recovery day. I acted out as much as possible without actually crossing any bottom lines (the specific things I told myself I would no longer do or won’t do until I am healthier).

I fantasized over Paolo, someone I had a very brief fling with in February. I looked him up online to see if he is working on anything new (he is), to see if there are any recent pictures of him (there are), and to see if he is still with his girlfriend (inconclusive). In my fantasy, I run into Paolo several months from now (once I am “cured” from my sex and love addiction), he is single and we reunite, living happily ever after. The most ridiculous part of this fantasy is that I know very little about what Paolo’s character is like. We got sexual almost right away and the sex was pretty amazing. In my diseased brain, amazing sex=amazing person, so it makes sense that part of me still believes Paolo is my Soul Mate, based on two (yes, two) encounters. Right?

I sat at my computer with Yahoo Messenger open (already a bad idea) looking at Paolo’s name and willing him to IM me. He didn’t and I wasn’t going to initiate contact with him, so instead I sent a message to Ari, someone I haven’t talked to in probably a year. I had a weird kind of something — for simplicity’s sake, I guess I can call it a “relationship” – with Ari maybe 6 years ago.  He was an unusual guy into unusual things. He refers to himself as a “submissive” and likes to think I was his dominant, although, at the time, he was definitely the one running the show and acting in the “dominant” role to him was probably one of the most submissive things I have ever done.

Ari ended up moving to another city to go grad school a few months into our “relationship.” Although this odd little thing I had with Ari never consummated in sexual intercourse, I was still in agony when Ari left and obsessed over him for months. Now he is married and he still contacts me from time to time. I usually ignore him, because I know he wants to have an inappropriate conversation, and even when I was more active in my addiction, I just wasn’t interested. But yesterday, I was interested in any attention I could get, so I contacted him and we had a borderline inappropriate conversation over ichat.

The conversation I had with Ari still wasn’t enough attention (there never is enough), so while I was talking to him I was also messaging SN, a man I have never met in person. I am interested in SN for the stupidest of stupid reasons – I think he has a cool name. I also like the pictures he sends me of what is supposedly his naked body, although having never seen his face and his body together, and due to the unusual size of a certain part of his body, I highly suspect SN is full of shit. I know I will/should never meet SN, and if I did, he definitely falls under the “He’ll Do For Now” category. But yesterday I was craving any male attention I could get, and SN was there and willing to give it. I know some day I won’t need this kind of attention, or at least will be satisfied with attention for my accomplishments rather than for my sexuality.

Yesterday I was stuck in fantasy land. My head was in the past and in the future, I know that I will probably have days like that again, but for today, I pray to stay firmly in the present.

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